Don't lose your flame...

2005-08-25T18:10:00.000-04:00

here's where I'm blogging now

http://firegirl.diary-x.com

2005-05-24T08:01:00.000-04:00

I'm tired and in need of working out. I feel sluggish. The weather outside is just so bloody ugly to do anything. So depressing!

2005-05-23T08:11:00.000-04:00

I really got to go pee. Yea, not much of an interesting message I know. I'm tired, full bladdered, and need a vacation -_-

2005-05-18T09:08:00.000-04:00

I'm recovering from a mini flu bug. I had a fever for 2 days. Not too tragic, but I had to sleep a whole lot. I'm feeling a whole lot better, but I still feel woozy. I really want to go out and do something. I don't want to keep my ass on a chair or in bed all day. I'm meeting mum for lunch today. Don't know what else to do. might get a long sleeved top for my aunt's wedding cause my wound is almost all healed up, but the scar is way more apparent than the others do. *sigh*

2005-05-13T15:09:00.000-04:00

I got Claire's number to get help, but I haven't had the chance to call yet. Damn phone fear.
My arm is finally healing up after those deep cuts. Itchy as hell though! *scratches uncontrollably* I am going to have the ugliest scars ever -_- At least now it will be my last ugly scar ^_^ Me getting help! yep yep. I am hyper does it show?

2005-05-05T10:20:00.000-04:00

well here I am wasted off of my mind. I have so much trouble typing while ,istening to kuramiono mix for the matrix. Techno and booze for jen = bad thing but makes me happy.I can`t type for shit, but I can at least managen a real smile omn my face. I had at least 2 drink of orange jiuce with vodka and have a litre of vodka infused drink thingn from the grocery stoer. I have the weirdest urge to bite off my tongue and stab myself witha fondue stick. I wish david was ehre/ I really want a hug. a reassuring hug,. something that I know is real and will melt my heart and not freeze it in the way it is now. I'mn passingm my fingers through my hair and it's all over the ketyborad cause I keep yanking at it. I beliebe that nodody cares about me apart from david, derek, chantal, and maybe alex. I don';t know. I don't have any communication to know wgat's what. I'm so tired from staying 29 hours awake even if I do night shifts to make others happy and tp be ablet o see my friends on THEIR shift. THEY sleep like normal people at night unlik eme.
AH TATU.The group./ The song not gonna get us gets to me every time. I want to starve and not become an existant part of society. life isn't fair sometimes. I just want to slash my bpdy to see a pool pf blood to see that I exist and nothing is a dream. I'm really fucked up. I need helkp but I don'thave that kind of money for that kind of help./. Besides, I don't want david to be involved in my fucked up gargage. U'm the one who's screwd up not me. Sometimes I believe that he needs someone better, Someone on hs termsm,.
Sometiomes I feel l'm in a fantasy woprld that I'mjust in aforest anbd nobdoy is around me. Thank god. they'd be scared

2005-05-05T07:05:00.000-04:00

I'm not in the best of moods right now. I'm not mad, just feeling blue. I just wrote an email to Chantal asking when we're going to meet up tonight for supper with Derek and David and I started crying. Sheesh. Why am I crying for? I have money coming in and I'm finally moving in with my boyfriend. I guess I just don't know what to do with my free time anymore...I'd love to spend it with David or Chantal or Derek, but because of the night shift I can't do any of it...they sleep while I work and while they're at play or work I sleep. Here I go again. Fucking tears. I wish that they could be tears of joy, but they don't look like it. I feel like stabbing my arm again and again just to feel alive. I feel like a bloody machine doing the same thing over and over. I got a bottle of vodka hoping I could down it all in one shot to fall asleep, but I haven't had the chance to yet. *sigh* I don't know what the hell to do with myself anymore.

2005-05-04T08:12:00.000-04:00

I've been eating healthier apart from a few slip-ups...before yesterday I had 5 cups of ice cream. Something to make someone really sick. Mr. Big Ice cream too. Had peanuts, caramel, and chocolate. I had 2 oreos when I woke up and that's all the junk for the day!
I feel very bloated and in need of doing cardio. I swear if I had the time I'd go to the arcade and play DDR all of the time. I hate playing alone though. I love playing with Chantal. She's too adorable. I miss playing with Annie too. Oh well. I just hope she'll speak to me when I'll be moving in in June.
I can't wait to go shopping or go out and just hang out with Chantal. It feels like ages that we haven't gone window washing stores and talking over coffee at second cup about stuff that we'd like to do. *sigh*
I'm really pondering about how many courses I should be taking in August. 4,5, or the full 7? I still have to and want to work to keep the money coming in. I still have to pay rent to David's parents. 250-300 I believe. I have almost 6G in my account so it isn't too bad, but I'd like to continue saving up what I've got already.

2005-05-01T18:00:00.000-04:00

I'm exhausted from work even if there weren't many people. I've had 97 (round up to 100) calories and I've been awake for almost 12 hours. I am going to take a nap before David comes over later.
I REALLY want sushi. Freak. I wonder if they put drugs in their sushi at Kanda. I want it literally every freaking day! I think about it and I'm thinking about the texture in my mouth and all.
I'm odd.

2005-04-23T00:13:00.000-04:00

I slept 15 hours and I feel so tired. I think it's the caffeine withdrawl. Haven't had one in 2 days. I wanted to go outside and do something, but waking up around 6pm dulled it all out. Rollerblading? tired...Shopping? doing that tomorrow with Derek, Chantal, and David...cleaning up? tired...and lazy.
I feel the middle of my collarbones finally, but nothing still fits. I found a pair of 3/4 length pants for the summer that fits, but nothing else does. T-shirts are a pain in the ass. I've been doing sit-ups almost every night now and stretching every day at work which has helped a great deal. I find that my calves look way too big with my shoes and dress put together. I just have to get rid of the fat. I have plenty of muscle there.
I have a headache and I can't get to sleep. I'm working in about 5 hours too. My stomach hurts from eating too much popcorn. I miss the good ol' days when I wouldn't have anything the whole day, then have 2 cups of plain popcorn with a good bottle of smirnoff before bed. *sigh*

2005-04-18T20:22:00.000-04:00

I'm exausted, too full from food, and I just want to sleep and cry. I eat to make myself more awake to be able to work, but I hate it so much that it makes me disappointed in myself. I just wish I still had the same willpower as 2 years ago...

2005-03-30T08:40:00.000-05:00

I'm tired, but I don't want to go to bed. All I want to do is stay up and see the numbers go down. Sadly enough I know that won't happen. The hope is still there though. I'm up to a 7 again. I haven't been that size since May of 2003. I feel so huge and bloated. I want to eat healthy, but when I get full I just want to starve and throw up everything >_<.

2005-03-23T07:05:00.000-05:00

I feel sick. I have a headache. I feel like if I'm gonna hurl. I hate having my period >_<

2005-03-22T07:09:00.000-05:00

I have a headache, once more. This is getting really irratating. I'm not drinking any milk and a bottle of 24 tylenol is gone in 3 days.

I've made a goal for myself for my dad's wedding. To stop eating as much junk food and eat healthier. Of course, losing pounds will be a plus ^_^. I do want to get more muscle mass. Replace the lard with muscle.

I'm tired....been awake for 23 hours. Go night shift. I want to work out NOW. bah.

2005-03-16T07:26:00.000-05:00

Wow. Exactly one month since I've written here. Go me.

I went to Kirkland, Seattle, Washington at the beginning of the month to meet Katie, Anna, Martha, and Shannon from SANI. It was like a dream come true! It was just so amazing how we got along even if KC and I had never met them in person, only online. *sigh* I'm really missing them already.

I've been feeling sick since I've been back from the trip. I got the flu or somethingorrather on the 2nd of march. I am feeling better though compared to at first, but now its more with eating issues than anything else. I felt like purging yesterday, but I stopped. Today I purged in the washroom at work. Couldn't get much of that bloody bagel with garlic cream cheese. NEVER AGAIN! That stuff is so nasty coming back up. I felt like if I smelled like puke for over an hour *shivers*

I really want to go to sushi this thursday, but I doubt we'll go. We went last thursday (like pretty much every thursday), but we ate like massive pigs. I had at least 30 pieces of sushi to myself not counting the tempura. David beat his old record of 54 and got up to 62 I think. I really don't know where it all goes! Anyways, I'll ask David if he's up to it and call up Derek and Chantal.

About Derek and Chantal....KAWAIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!! *jumps up and down* I am just REALLY happy for them. They are just too adorable.

2005-02-16T07:18:00.000-05:00

I've been really busy these past few weeks...Had to get my passport done, applying to college, getting ready for seattle. I got big things off of my shoulders which I am glad that it is done.

My weight have been really bothering me. I am motivated to go work out. Thing is, I need the energy and time! I lack pretty much of both. Bah. I'm getting my rolls again. I was at 119 yesterday at the doctor's office with my clothes and boots on. I wasn't happy to see that number. It's so hard just to starve like I used to. I have david that cares about me and I don't want to hurt him. I don't care if I get hurt. He's my first priority. Already his family doesn't treat him much like family at all...

2005-01-25T07:51:00.000-05:00

My friend Zilla from sani is having more problems with her cancer. After the regular treatments she hasn't had any improvements. I've been wanting to write to her, saying how I feel, but the words just don't come out right and I feel like if I won't be able to make her feel any better.

chalet trip 2005

2005-01-08T19:19:00.000-05:00

yep yep. Came back from the chalet trip a few hours ago and boy am I glad to be home...

sunday - Technically we were supposed to leave on saturday, but because Liz screwed up on the budget for the chalet trip we had to cut a day PLUS pay 30 extra bucks. So a nice total of 150 bucks total.

I made 4 dozen donuts and 12 croissants. Because some moron badly placed the donuts in the car or something, they ended up all squished and the icing was all over the boxes and NOT on the donuts.

I binged on 2 donuts and 1 cookie and I purged. I couldn't believe that I had purged.[/p][p]monday - Wake up feeling like ass. I went to bed at 10pm and the others were still awake. I just didn't want to be there. I ate a bowl of cereal with banana, and something else. Then went to purge once more.

I wanted to go skating. Nobody wanted to go, so I went alone. After an hour of ice skating I get back and they ask me where I've been. Liz asks "why dyou go alone?" Heck. I ain't staying on my ass to play fucking videogames out on a chalet trip.

The place is a bloody mess. People are playing videogames and leaving all of their crap everywhere. Bowls of soup here, cups of tea there.

At 10pm, they go sliding since they use the same hill that the skiers do after it closes down. I don't want to ruin my back cause 4 people hurt themselves last year. Two other people stay behind to watch anime and play smash brothers.

I went to my room and cried. I drank a bottle of smirnoff ice thingy. I cut. A lot. More than I ever had. I have 61 cuts from a simple blade. I just wanted to be in david's arms, but he wasn't there. It was so late that I didn't want to call him and besides, silly me can't remember his number. I was typsy and I couldn't remember much from that night.

tuesday - I wake up at 7am and there is a small towel strapped to my arm. There was dried blood all over it and my arm was all brown from the coagulated blood. I just went back to sleep hoping that when I'll wake up, the week would have gone by and it would be time for us to leave.

Howard and Danny poke me awake at 4:00pmish and took a "wake-up call picture" (tradition at the chalet trips for the ones who sleep in a bit too much). I'm in a zombish state and Howard asks what happened to my arm. I covered my head and arm under a pillow and tried not to move. They left..

I get into the kitchen and the place is a mess. I just picked up any dishes and put them in the sink. I won't sure as hell clean them. They're the slobs, not I. People were complaining that they were missing things so they're going on a second trip to the grocery store since we've arrived. Eliz and someone else already got the food on the 30th. They shouldn't be going to get more food. But hey, they only need more soda cause they already finished the 10 bottles of soda that they showed up with.

I go swimming with Alex, Steph, Danny, and Andrew. I showed my cuts to Alex cause I didn't know what to do. I couldn't hide. David asked her to take care of me while I was gone and that's what she did. She lent me Cat's arm band things so that I could go swimming and if I wanted to wear a t-shirt i could use them. Without her this week would have been even more painful.I am thankful that she was there for me.

wednesday - I get downstairs to see that someone has eaten my bread. I am ultra peeved. I brought my own food, labeled the cupboard that it was mine with Alex and Steph and they went digging into my stuff.

I have to admit, that day, I was a bore. They went horseback riding and I didn't want to go cause #1 saving money #2 could hurt my back if they start running. I stay back at the chalet with 4 other people who end up watching 2 movies of ghost in the shell. I felt like such a blob. Afterwards, a bit of smash brothers, but even then that got annoying.

I went grocery shopping with Eliz and Howard because they were ranting about not having enough food and drinks. They buy 5 bags of chips. I got one as well, the multigrain stuff. They get 6 bottles of pepsi and more bread for them.

Suppertime! These people do not know how to organise their crap. They make spaghetti enough for over 20 people and when we got to the kitchen the plates were already done. 'Bout 5 cups of spaghetti each person! SICK! I asked mine to be smaller. Their smaller portion is 3 cups. There was also garlic bread and some salad which they put the dressing BEFORE and didn't dry the leaves so they were all slimy and crap. They ended up having to throw almost half of the stuff cause they forgot to bring saran wrap. Idiots.

I went swimming again and have some fun with Alex.Come back from swimming the chip bags are nearly empty. I grab about 2 handfuls of my stuff and watch the fire.

thursday - I have some nuked apples with cereal and cinnamon with brown sugar for breakfast. The others made bacon with eggs. Andrew wasn't feeling well so he slept in. When he came down there was nothing left for him and Howard. They ended up eating hot-dogs for brekkies. They even drank his apple cider.

I clean up a bit cause the dirt and clutter is making me sick. I found a glass IN THE FUCKING COUCH. These people!!! *rips out hair* These people already broke 3 glasses on this trip. They are so irresponsible!

We decide to make some pudding. Megan takes some, eats 2 spoons, leaves everything on the table with her friend Robyn to go for a massage. They come back and everything is still on the table including some of the crap from other people and megan asks why is everything such a mess. I told her that I didn't feel like picking up after other people like they were two year olds. They didn't like that.

I go swimming with Alex and some other people. Don't remember who.Come back and there's tuna casserole made with chips as a crust *shudder* It was ALRIGHT, but so fatty. Alex doesn't like fish and Andrew had gotten an allergic reaction awhile ago and didn't take the risk. All they had left was left-overs.

At 10pm, Alex, me, Steph, Andrew, megan, and robyn stay at the chalet while the rest go sliding. Alex, Steph, and I crank up the music we like and open up the smirnoff popper drinks and dance for almost 3 hours. The others come back after 2 hours and ask us what the hell we're doing. We ask them if they want to dance and they decline. They sit down and play more videogames.

That was the first time during the whole trip that all three got to let go and it was the first night that I actually ENJOYED my stay.

friday - Wake up earlier than pretty much everyone else to grab what I can from the fridge that is still edible. I had toast with strawberry jam. I notice that there is a 2 LITRE bottle of chocolate syrup. WHAT THE FUCK. Retarded. They barely put a dent in it.

Alex asks me if other people could eat my dried fruit. I said only if it was her or Steph. Or others with my permission. Because there wasn't much junk food and sweet stuff megan and robyn went digging into my food even it was labeled and Alex told them it was mine. READ!!!!!

I read mangas for the morning. Something different for a change. I go ice skating with Alex.

Steph talked to Pauline on the phone to find out that David didn't end up moving out. The owner of the building apparently lost the key somewhere, so David would have been able to come! I was really peeved at that. The only reason I was going to the chalet was to be able to be with him. He couldn't go so I thought I could try to be friendly with friends I barely know anymore. That still somewhat didn't work.

For supper there was ham, rice, and veggies. The rice was overcooked (dry) and the ham was super salty. I didn't have ham in ages so I thought it was normal. It sure was, but my stomach didn't like it. INDEGESTION MAN. Oi. Alex, Scott, and I went swimming and I had to go to the can twice cause of diarehha. NOT FUN.

I went to bed "early" cause I didn't want to end up rushing like a chicken without a head the next morning to pack my stuff. I packed most of my belongings the night before and read a few mangas trying to get some sleep while the others were partying with music past 3am and yelling and screaming cause they were playing a game as well.

saturday - I am one of the first people up. I packed my stuff and brought it down. I was the first to have packed all of my stuff. Eliz and Cat were sleeping in the living room on the floor and scott was in the kitchen picking up his things.

Poor guy. During most of the trip he was working his ass off for the whole sound system and computers. He made strawberry and rhubarb crisp and people poked and proded the stuff cause it looked funny. It was damn good stuff. Some people are just careless and heartless. And they don't even think before they speak.

Eventually the rest wake up nearly an hour before we have to leave. Eliz and Liz talk about money issues with Victor cause he had lent them money cause some people couldn't afford to pay the extra 30$. Eliz didn't want to give back any money to Ross since he cancelled at the last minute because of family issues. Actually, she didn't want to give him the money cause she didn't want his friends in the chalet in the first place, even though they didn't come. Most of us agreed to give him back 80 to 100 dollars back to him.

I get a lift from Alex's mum to go back home. We end up going to Nickels for brekkies with Waylan, Andrew, and Andrew's mum. We discussed about the whole deal and Andrew wants to organise it next year. Eliz has a superiority complex problem or something. If it's not her way she'll be pissed at you. A LOT. or she just walks away.

so yea. technically I only had fun after the dancing and all of friday. nice week Off eh?

*sigh*

this feels SO much better getting it all off my chest! Of course I've blabbed to my mum, the people during the brekkies at nickels, and david, but getting pretty much everything out felt nice. ^_^

fucking pathetic

2004-12-29T07:05:00.000-05:00

1/2 cup oatmeal
2 apples
1/2 oatmeal coconut cookie
BIG salad with smoked salmon
salad dressing & tortilla with garlic

There was a meeting today for the chalet trip and I'm not happy about it. I had to dish out an extra 50$ cause of a lack of people and the others want to stuff their faces all week. I already told them that I got 3/4 of my food, but it was as if it went in one ear and out of the other.

I found out that David is coming-through Howard. David never told me. Guess he wanted it to be a surprise. I shouldn't make me mad, but it is. At first it was yes, then no, then yes again for only a few days. I was actually planning stuff ahead, so that David wouldn't know.

Already at the resto I had to let out some steam in the washroom. I hit and slammed my wrist on a screw from the stall. I wanted to get drunk at the chalet and have a few nifty cutting sessions early enough in the week, so they could heal before David could see them. It could still work, depending when he would leave.

I want to go ice-skating and work out like mad on barely any food. Sadly though, Alex has been asked by David to "take care of me". I hope she somewhat forgets...

It's supposed to be a vacation, so I just want to be free. Even if it did almost cost 200$ and a week's worth of pay.

2004-12-10T11:28:00.000-05:00

I am sick of waking up with bloody headaches. It's a really bad way to start the day. I feel like shit and want to sleep the rest of the day -_-

I hurt my back before yesterday while lifting the kitty litter box. Goddam back. I feel like an old lady now!

I have a tim hortons x-mas party tonight. I want to go, but at the same time no. Cause of the damn headache I don't want to leave the house. @#$%^&*()_(!!!!!!!!!

2004-11-25T08:05:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling better today. I slept for 11 hours last night. I worked like a busy bee last night at nun's island and barely got to eat. Of course I binged on a muffin, croissant sandwhich, and 18 pieces of soy crisps, but I needed the protein from all those. Nuts, soy, and turkey.

I will be getting my new computer on saturday after work. I really can't wait!

Also getting the dress I'll be wearing to my dad's wedding for June tomorrow with David. He's gonna get something to match with my colors.

2004-11-24T08:35:00.000-05:00

I can't sleep. This is really pissing me off. I need sleep to work. I could barely sleep 2 hours yesterday and now I've been awake from my "sleep" 12 hours and I'm almost wide awake. I'm yawning just as much as yesterday, feel the same tiredness, but can't fall asleep! @##$%^&*()!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Plus what isn't helping is the sims 2 game that i got for my birthday fucked up my comp so I can't use it. I am getting a new computer from my own $$$ but it will be mine...getting it hopefully this weekend. I want this madness to stop...

2004-11-23T15:06:00.000-05:00

I suck at restricting. I am full from lunch and I ate candy cause I wanted to munch on something crunchy. WHAT THE FUCK. I'm FULL! I ain't supposed to be eating anything. *growls* I went to work out today and I still feel like a jiggly puff...

2004-11-14T23:48:00.000-05:00

Fred and I went to the Metropolis on friday to see THE RASMUS. *faints* I want to see them again! Lauri sings so well live and the drummer is so funny ^^'

2004-11-10T07:27:00.000-05:00

I feel like ass. Like shit is more like it. I hate eating sweets, but I still do it. WHY? Cause I'm a moron who can't learn THAT'S why. *growls*

2004-11-02T08:15:00.000-05:00

I cut a few days ago, but feel better now. I showed them to david. He wasn't too happy, but he was glad about the amount. He counted them. 13. He said last time there was 3 times that amount.
I can't believe it's already November 2. I really can't believe it. It's been 4 months since the fire had ruined david and me's plans for our future (more like delayed it for at least 2 years :(). It's been almost a whole year since I graduated from hairdressing school and look at me now, as a cashier at a tim hortons. Pathetic.
My mum had suggested I looked into the "young entrepreneurs of quebec" or rather. Something that I could get a loan to start up my own business. That's all I'd need to open up my desert lounge. MONEY.

2004-11-01T01:16:00.000-05:00

Happy Halloween!

2004-10-27T08:08:00.000-04:00

I got a letter from the SAQ today and I didn't get the job. -_- I was in a great mood today and that completely ruined it. Now I feel that I'll be at a low-wage job all my life. FUCK.

Well, before I opened the letter to utter depression, I found this link on sani that made me really laugh. Damn hilarious http://www.stud.ntnu.no/~alexann/

2004-10-26T07:57:00.000-04:00

I'm tired and irratated. I just want to be in shape so much, but I don't do crap for it. I am really discouraged now that I know that my body fat amount is 23.5% which is fucking nasty. So what if I am at 113.5 lbs right? Heh. I'd rather have muscle than disgusting flab assed fat that juggles. I am so afraid to become like in the end of 2002. I keep reminding myself that if I don't do any cardio I will be like that any day now. Those 31.5 pounds will come back overnight. *shivers*

2004-10-20T20:33:00.001-04:00

I got the interview with the SAQ today. Boy I was nervous as bloody hell. I don't know anything about alcohol. Anyways, I had to push my availabilities a bit so now I'd have to practically go to part-time at timmies. Damn SAQ is only "on call" though. So I might not become full-time after the x-mas holidays. So I might ruin both jobs just to get one right now. I am so fucked

I bought THE RASMUS cd. I am so giddy! I've never been so "in love" with a band since the BACKSTREET BOYS back in 1997. I've been looking at everything possible on them. Found out I missed a show they did at Musiquplus back in May, but they are having a show on November 12th at the Metropolis. I don't work that day, but if I have the SAQ I might. Oh joy. I am SO there though! The lead singer Lauri is so adorable! *squeases cheeks* Yea yea. Infatuation or something ^^'

BLACK FEATHERS. *gets googly eyed*

2004-10-15T02:44:00.000-04:00

I have vowed myself to eat more vegetables and more meat aka. protein and consume less sweets and treats. I've been doing alright so far. I've only started today ^^' I am trying not to count calories as much cause when I do it leads to binges and then more sweets. If it gets worse it can lead to purging which is NOT an option. Did it a few weeks ago and I felt like shit afterwards even if I felt happier at the time. I know it will take a while before I adjust to eating less sweets and it won't be easy, but it will be better for me in the long run. There are enough problems on my dad's side of the family with health and I am already 4 years late to get my blood tested for various things (damn procrastination). Anyways, enough rambling about food already!

I heard there was going to be another chalet trip this year, but it's still only "all talk". Nothing is organised yet. There is one thing for sure. If I can go, I bring my own food and there is no way in hell that I will bring X amount of money for the amount of food that I eat. Already that I eat like a bird, I don't eat certain meat, can't take milk, and eat more healthier things like rye bread and tofu. I don't want to be harsh, but already the past 2 years have been almost pure hell for me with emotions and not having the food to be able to deal with it hurt like hell. Anger was mostly like it. I had brough diet coke and soy milk cause that's pretty much all I drink. My soy milk was gone in 2 days (we were there for 5), and nobody was supposed to drink my diet coke. I had heard from someone that eliz didn't drink any soda, but she liked my diet stuff so she got into it. Bah. I was also going nutzoid about having meals altogether most of the time cause people would look at me eat and I was afraid that someone could find out.

There are the ones that do know, but sometimes I wonder if they remember, or if they do care or just rub it off as if it was all a lie. Sometimes I wonder what my supposed life around me apart from dave and chanty would think if I entered IP because of a low weight. Would they judge me? Would they hate me? Would they point and laugh? I just don't know...

There I go again with food. My life is surrounded by it and I have to live with it. It's hard to deal with. I am glad that I am 10000 times better than before I was with David. It was getting pretty bad just before we were together. Surving only on coffee, a bubble tea, and maybe a muffin or fruit if I was in the mood to have real food in my stomach.

2004-09-24T09:39:00.000-04:00

I have to get more pickled beets...I finished the bottle on my restriction.

I have a headache from eating crap at work yesterday, and I need my sleep. I'm wondering if fred's doing alright at school after finding out she couldn't get her tongue pierced cause of her fucking meds until february. We were supposed to go this afternoon, but now I don't even know if we should still go cause I wanted to get something done...bah

2004-09-21T10:54:00.000-04:00

I've made a new restriction diet for myself and so far so good. I just have to buy more pickled beets! lol I'll list it all down when I wake up later...

2004-09-17T08:37:00.000-04:00

I've eaten too much today. Had sushi with dave, then bubble tea, then junk at work = purge. First time since May. Feel like shit emotionally and physically. All I want to do is stay away from people who might be nosy cause they care and just slash up my legs and arms just like on new years. *sigh*

I desperately need a "session". It's way past due. The whole part of me being at my lowest weight ever 2 days ago and seeing another fucking pregnant woman in the metro at the same stage I was supposed to be at doesn't help.

2004-09-02T12:45:00.000-04:00

Been going to the gym more frequently now. I'm becoming the stairmaster queen! LOL. I did 2 sets of 30 minutes at level 6-8 and burned a total of 780 calories. THAT made my day ^_^. I was at 109.5 last night before I went to work. I'm happy to see the numbers go down.

Unfortunately tonight I have a "work reunion" at st-hubert. I'll have a salad if they're still availlable. Eating chicken and ribs as a breakfast before work will make me sick as bloody hell.

2004-08-27T10:27:00.000-04:00

Break time from work today *sigh* So tired!

The baby shower went alright last sunday. My cousin got so spoiled its not funny! They had to ship all of the stuff home in TWO vans. Don't laugh! I'm serious!

I didn't realise that my cousin Annie was 29. I was sure she was oldest by 25 or so. And yes, I am the last one not married or have children on my dad's side of the family. They even brought it up. One of my aunts was telling me that when the time will come she'll organise something HUGE. I was afraid and happy at the same time. Lotsa gifts (mwaha), but weird games like changing a doll's diaper with a blindfold with some mysteries in the diaper (usually nutella).

2004-08-25T07:27:00.000-04:00

I just thought this was funny after a long night of work

http://www.pvponline.com/archive/2004/pvp20040820.gif

2004-08-17T13:01:00.000-04:00

I wrote this email to my mum since I couldn't face her cause I am so afraid
"It's a conversation I've had between Sonia and I this morning on the computer and it brought me to tears. I'm sorry if anything has hurt you in this, but I know that if I said it to you in person that you would bark right back at me cause that's how it always is.
it is long I warn you

soni says:So how are things with youfiregirl says:work is going alright
firegirl says:heh since I am working full-time my mum is making me pay 300$ worth of rent every month
firegirl says:did you have to do that as well?
soni says:Wow, thats quite a bit. No I didnt
soni says:Ive heard of 150, 200 max, but 300. ???
firegirl says:ya
firegirl says:crazy eh
soni says:and how much is the rent
firegirl says:Now I seriously can't wait to move out
firegirl says:500somethingfiregirl says:but the electricity is someone around 100-200
firegirl says:plus the other bills and food
soni says:She s not giving you a chance to save up so you can get a good start. I have to say thats not really fair
firegirl says:yeafiregirl says:well she says thats how the real life it
firegirl says:*is
firegirl says:sick as it is
soni says:she has a good paying job. At least shes not into any troubles. You havmt really found the permanent job you d like yet
firegirl says:nope
firegirl says:Already I am not happy at home cause she orders me around like mad whenever she's pissed she takes it out at me.
soni says:I was lucky with my parents. They let me save up.
firegirl says:very luckyfiregirl says:I never have any luck it seems
firegirl says:no job that I like
firegirl says:I don't even feel at home in my own home.
soni says:hmmm, have you talked to her baout it. Did you tell her that yes you too you ll have to pay that much nexy year, and even more. But for you to succeed, you ll have to save up
firegirl says:*sigh* Sometimes I even wonder if I will get to move on. I got so discouraged with leaving hairdressing for now as a full-time cause I knew that I would never be able to afford the rent
firegirl says:I have. She said its reasonable.
soni says:I mean you even pay for some groceries already. I picked up some stuff when you came herefiregirl says:i left something there?
soni says:no no, I mean you payed for some groceris here. Its like she making you pay for rent ad groceries
firegirl says:Whenever there is something on sale I get it
firegirl says:or whichever
firegirl says:she always buys too much food. She likes variety so she says
firegirl says:I can hold up on very little and you and her know why.
soni says:Well i saw your fridge and well,,,its crazy! Doesnt a lot spoil?
firegirl says:I can't even open up my bead store online anymore cause I can't afford a digital camera, and she doesn't want me to put pictures on the computer cause it will take up too much space
firegirl says:she doesn't want me to cook sweets anymore cause a few months ago I went on a spree and the bill went higher than usual.
firegirl says:yes. a LOT spoils. She gets mad when I don't eat what she gets. I don't get hungry all of the bloody time. I'm not a ravenous teenager like my brother
firegirl says:I'm sorry that I am venting right now
soni says:No problem. Its understandable
firegirl says:ya...firegirl says:I calculated some things
firegirl says:and I have to get my own computer and digital camera. Lots to save up for that. firegirl says:car, liscence.
soni says:continue typing, brb, dog pped
firegirl says:but lemme guess. If I tell her that she would say that I should have gotten it years ago. I know I should have. But I didn't know what the hell to do with my life after leaving highschool. I had enough to deal with both parents saying pish-posh about each other towards me all these years.
firegirl says:another factor that hasn't helped at all
firegirl says:my dad's getting remarried next year and she is really pissed at it all
firegirl says:she litterally said last friday "j'técoeuré d'être icitte." and she left to her bf's house all weekend. She didn't even come back yesterday or today.
soni says:yah, Well especially that you live in Montreal, alot of people think they dont need a car because they have the transportation. Plus you were in school and you were always on the bus and metro. You see my brother moved to montreal just for that reson. So he wouldne have to use his car to go to school. Of course he ll have the option to use it when visting home, but his intention was to not use it
soni says:because of parking
firegirl says:she was pissed that i didn't do things around the house. She doesn't understand that when I come home I do a few thigns and go to bed. When I wake up I do more things. What she doesn't fuckign realise is that when I wake up she gets home and she just yells me this and that. "this place smells. you didn't do this. you didn't do that"
firegirl says:yea
firegirl says:but I don't want to live on montreal all of my life
firegirl says:I want to get out of here
firegirl says:sometimes I just want to vanish from everything cause all I've done is dug myself in a shit-hole
soni says:well you have to tell her. I slepp during the day, I work at night, you re all fucked up,and well you can do it on the weekend when you re alittle more awake
firegirl says:yea
soni says:Well thats you r reason why you didnt think of a car, You ve been in Montreal for how long now. You tell her, now im thinking of getting my licence because you re not going to live in Montreal all your life
firegirl says:she keeps telling me to find something else
firegirl says:io can't
firegirl says:then I won't be ablet o afford the damn rent
soni says:Now youre seriously thinking about that step. And if she supports you she should let you have a chance to save up
firegirl says:i know that if I go into hairdressing the income isn't stable and if I have to pay rent during then everything's gonna go to that. I'll be living with mum til I'm 30 cause I'm going nowhere
soni says:Sure, you can work there for now, but you can look for something else mean while. Especially when you re not sure where excatly were you re going to move, Im sure your trying to get things straight first. Where rent is going to be, where you re going to work.
firegirl says:i sent my cv and a letter to the saq and they kept it. They hiring next november. It would be nice to have that as a birthday gift
firegirl says:yea
firegirl says:if i can end up being able to save up
soni says:you can work for a ahairdresser, but another job at the same time. If you can find someting that you can work maybe twice a week, thats when you start to build your customers, but you still have another job on the side. It ll probably take a while to have a full time spot, but you ll have to start by a couple weeks
firegirl says:yea
firegirl says:hairdressing in montreal is the problem
firegirl says:people are just so goddam rude
soni says:Go to some small place first nothing fancy smanchy. At least you ll have experience. A lot of places look for experince
firegirl says:every place I have been to in montreal asks for minimum 3 years
firegirl says:and I'd have to be an assistant for at least 6 months to a year if I would start doing a wee bit on customers
soni says:Well ignore the experience, Send it out anyways, Every one you see
firegirl says:send what out?
soni says:Its a start, If thats how a hairstylist starts off, then thats probably what you ll have to do. Even if its not what you want. If hairstylist is what you reall want to be, then there might be some cons to it
firegirl says:but I'll have to wait until november to make sure about the saq no?
soni says:your cv
firegirl says:yea...

take it as you see it. My emotions are very tender lately and I haven't been happy in a while. David is the only one that is helping me through this and not being able to see him hurts, but heck. I have to pay the rent right?"

She called me to ask what's going on, I start crying, can't respond, she starts saying everythings her fault that she's getting all of the shit on her back, she starts crying and gets off the phone.

I can't stop crying now. I just want to claw my arms up and rip my eyes out. I hate myself. I can't achieve anything. I want to move on, but I feel like if I never will be able to.
It's way past my bedtime and I'm going to cry myself to sleep cause I don't see anything else better than I can do.

2004-08-15T12:06:00.000-04:00

I've been finally off the rag starting today. Binging and junk-food will stop as well. I've eaten more in the past week than in a whole month! I am such a hog. *oink oink* Also I will only have cheese and yogurt as milk products. I had whipped cream earlier and I have the most massive headache!

I saw Alien VS. Predator yesterday and I liked the movie, a lot. If only it was a wee bit longer. It was as short as a diney movie you could say. I am not saying that it lacked quality though. A lot of puppeteering which I was glad to see.

2004-08-10T17:05:00.000-04:00

I have been restricting with great success. I am glad that I am now at a new low weight and I am not feeling too tired. I look better too.

I talked with my mum yesterday and found out that I now have to pay 300$ rent a month, pay some of my glasses 100$, and a cooking pan that went out in the fire at Dave's house (she bought a new one) 8$. So at the end of the month I owe her 408$. *faints* Just OW. Already I have my meds which are about 17$ and my bus pass of 31$ which total to 48$ a month. Just in basic payments going out of my bank account automatically is 348$ a month. I get about 600$ every two weeks which isn't too bad, but I hope that I'll get the job at the SAQ in November as a birthday gift. I want to get my liscence, car, and maybe a computer within 3 years. Is that unreasonable?

2004-08-04T10:41:00.000-04:00

I have been non-existant once again on this blog. *sigh* I have been a busy bee and still buzzing. I am working nights and getting adjusted to the night life isn't so easy as I thought it would be. I am a "night crawler" usually. Going to bed at the wee hours of the morning, usually at 3-4 am. At Tim Hortons though, there are so many things to do that when I finish my day and am not late on my productions, cleaning, and filling up stuff I feel acheived...but drained. There aren't many clients between 12:30 am and 4 am, but just enough that if someone doesn't choose their selection of food or drink almost right away I can be late in my things to do. The morning rush is enough to drive someone mad. I am alone from 10pm til 6am and then 2-3 girls show up for the morning rush. Thing is, many customers start showing up at 5:30am. I almost have to have 10 pots of coffee on, grow myself extra arms, and 2 more cashes to get everything done in record time. Of course, this can't happen. I already have 2 people on Drive with their orders, a line-up of 5 people at the front cash, and me talking into the microphone telling the next person in the Drive that they have to wait because I can't do everything at once. Today was the first time that I started to panic. I screwed up an order. It was only because I had put cream cheese on a blueberry bagel when the guy only wanted butter. I freaked out and then the 3 cashiers showed up. I was just glad that they did.

Chalet time! Going on August5th and 6th with mum, her bf, vince, his friend, and david. It has been almost 2 years that I haven't been there and it is way past due that I go there again.

2004-07-10T15:40:00.001-04:00

I have been somewhat busy. I was working at Loblaws and trying to find a night job because the hours there were sufficient. After finding out that I had only 4.5 hours in ONE WEEK I decided to call it quits because they kept giving me minimal hours when the scehdule was made, and then kept calling me for the rest of the week for me to come in. Planning stuff would be impossible.

I had my first night shift day at work yesterday. I thought it would be way more complicated than I heard it would be! I am in an ESSO gas station (with a locked door don't worry!), so the place to make stuff is extremely limited. To the point that one of the freezers is located OUTSIDE of the place. Night shift basically means production shift. I have to make the muffins, bagels, bread sticks for sandwhiches, croissants, timbits, and danishes. Thank god they're all prepackaged! Even then, there is so much. Friday night is the night that has the least production to make. For example, yesterday I had to make 18 fruit explosion muffins. From Sunday to Tuesday, I have to make 36. The customer flow is more frequent from those three days. And imagine, I have to take out all of the products and cook, decorate, and place them while serving customers at the cash AND drive-thru. ^_^ . I'm weird. I love being uber busy. I barely get to take a small break to have a nibble of food here and there.

2004-06-26T22:08:00.000-04:00

Yep Yep. I haven't posted in a while once more. Kind of getting into the hang of that hmf?

The whole mess of the fire is handled out now. Dave and his family are staying at his aunt's house until the place is built up again...I think. They could be re-opening in November, but it's still all talk. David found a job at a vietnamese resto, but is changing from cook to waiter since he doesn't like the way that the cooks handle the stuff in the backstore (not cleaning stuff properly, etc.)

Dave and I have decided to see each other max. 2 times a week. He's running on bus tickets and we're about an hour apart in transport. He's gonna be working full time and I've been gradually getting more hours at work *finally*

Since I won't see Dave as often I don't see why I should keep up with my regular eating habits. I eat around him and that's what counts. I've been restricting already the past few days and I've been going down which I am happy about. I will be trying to fast or restrict severely with miirage starting tomorrow. The brave girl is doing a 10 day fast. I admire her. She's so smart, beautiful, and so giving.

*sigh*

so yea. Wednesday I was at 116, friday 113, and today at 112. Gotta love maniac ddr and working to burn those calories!

2004-06-16T00:33:00.000-04:00

Heh. Well last night I found out that there is quite a high chance that I will be moving out on my own in summer 2005. OI

2004-06-15T01:22:00.000-04:00

Life has been hell for the past few days. Dave's house and resto caught on fire last wednesday and I haven't been able to see him by himself in a while. He's sleeping now...poor thing

2004-06-09T02:02:00.000-04:00

I haven't been online or gone on sani in quite a while. I feel really bad about me not losing weight and the scale not budging. I told miirage that I won't go on sani until I lost at least 10 pounds. Won't be easy, but I can do it. I am sick of being disgusted at myself. Ack. So much blubber on my stomach, arms, and thighs!

2004-05-20T23:36:00.000-04:00

I had my first day at Loblaws today. Goddam I never thought working at a grocery store was so bloody occupying. It's always continuous. Non-stop. I like it cause it keeps me busy and I have no time to waste just standing there like a fool. One thing that I have to get used to is FOUR PAGES of codes for fruits, vegetables, nuts, individual breads, packs of beer, water and juice.

2004-05-13T23:34:00.000-04:00

Boy do I have such luck. The message from scores was apparently for training that was gonna be today. Now I have to wait another week to see if there is still place there. I'm gonna have to go bring cvs and fill out applications once more tomorrow...

2004-05-13T14:23:00.000-04:00

I handed out some cvs and filled out some applications before yesterday and I got a call from scores. LOL. I can't believe I got a call from there. It was on impulse when I applied. My mum and I were going on a "girl's night out" for bingo and food and we went to scores to get take-out. So yea, I have to call the guy back for 5pm and I hope that I have an interview. I'm gonna be selling chicken! www.scores.ca

2004-05-09T03:16:00.000-04:00

I'm a world of complaining in this department. Binge and purge woes. Ain't anything different going around here...-_-

2004-05-05T23:39:00.000-04:00

I am still feeling somewhat shitty...yet again. Been having trouble sleeping, drinking booze almost on a nightly basis, even restricting again even more. I realised that I have many of these symptoms from here http://www.afterabortion.com/pass_details.html It isn't a legal term, but it does put a few of my "symptoms" at hand which at least I am happy that I know why I can't sleep...

2004-05-03T17:33:00.000-04:00

"I got me a digi-scale ^_^ Me happy" that's from about a week ago.

I've been feeling shitty once more. Bah. I've been sick on and off for almost 2 weeks now. At first I thought it was that i could be allergic to my bf's dog, even if I have a cat at home, but I guess that wasn't the case. I woke up this morning at home with THE worst sore throat I've had in a long long time, leaking nose like a damn faucet and sneezing like there was no tomorrow. I am getting really irratated about that.

I went to china town again before yesterday and binged way too much. I told my bf that i don't want to go out to eat to china town again for a long long time and we should just go on special occasions. I don't have a lot of money to spend things on ESPECIALLY food.

I woke up to the weight of 114.5 this morning. I saw that and just went back to bed and slept for another hour. I was so down. I feel a bit better now. I had some oatmeal with flax seed and soy milk to fill me up since I am going to the grocery store later with my mum and if I go there on an empty stomach I want to get everything possible!

I didn't go rollerblading like I said I would cause it ended up raining. Damn spring showers. Never know when they'll show up. I will force myself to go outside and walk a bit at least that will be a start.

I've been getting cramps like if i am starting my period, but I am only supposed to start in about 2 week or so. It's just so irratating. My chest hurts, I'm grumpy a lot and I barely want to be touched by anyone...

2004-04-27T17:53:00.000-04:00

I've been helping Dave at the resto since last Thursday and it's been non-stop. Poor guy has been working almost 14 hours a day...thank god the parents are coming back friday or saturday! I had to rip fat off a few boiled chickens which sickened me to no end and now I don't want to eat chicken for a while. I just really REALLY grossed me out.

I want to get a digital scale...prolly get one this week if I can get to wal-mart ^^'

2004-04-22T02:30:00.000-04:00

Tis 2:30 am and I am practically wide awake, there is nobody online to speak to, and there's nothing left to view in sani. I am BORED. I've played the sims which have bored me to no end lately...I just don't know what to do. I want to keep myself busy so I won't eat. Not easy!

2004-04-20T22:22:00.000-04:00

Guess who has a new job? Mwaha. I feel like a godess right now! *giggles*. I got a job at a hair salon next to dave's house, the metro, the bus stop, energie cardio...it's THE best location! It's so neat! The girl who owns the place is also the only hairdresser there and I'll be the second and only other hairdresser! I won't be an assistant! I am so happy. I haven't been this happy in a long time.

I am enrolling in energie cardio tomorrow. I had a pig out night with my friend kym while watching movies and I woke up at 118 this morning. EEPS. SO yea. There goes my star challenge with sani. I'm gonna get back on track!

Ozzy is still missing. He ran out of the house on easter sunday. Some people in the neighborhood have seen him, but couldn't catch him. My mum has posted signs up everywhere and we hope to see him home soon. He really REALLY miss him.

2004-04-14T00:41:00.000-04:00

So yes. It is raining cats and dogs outside so I couldn't go rollerblading. Shit ass weather.

I am really tempted to try the chocolate diet. The way it works is that all you eat is chocolate. It must be a pain in the ass to taste chocolate all day, but rids of your morning coffee! You get all of your caffeine in there too LOL.

I am making more and more orders online for my jewelry and I am extremely happy about it. I love creating things with my hands.

2004-04-11T23:14:00.000-04:00

I hate easter. So much food. Too much binging. I hate it hate it hate it. Tuesday I am starting the star challenge from sani and I desperately need to get this shit off of me.

Goals...
*Only count calories from meat and if I end up taking dairy products. Veggies and fruits I won't be cause I need the vitamins. NO BREAD PRODUCTS! or minimal as possible.

*Rollerblading as much as humanly possible. I'm even gonna sign up and go to energie cardio if the job allows me to after all the hell is gonna get through.

*500 calorie max intake per day.

*Lose AT LEAST 5 pounds and get down to 110. Eventually I'll go lower if my chances are high

*SIGH*

Work sucks right now. I need to find another place to finally get a decent job. I'm doing Kym's hair tuesday in a week and hopefully they'll accept me. It's a tiny place right next to Dave's place which is even more convenient. Closer to home and his!

2004-04-01T00:39:00.000-05:00

I wrote this earlier on my lunch break from work...

I'm not happy today. I am not in a good mood. Ever since I've started taking the pill again I've felt shitty as ever. Gained 3 pounds in 3 days. There is no fucking way that I will gain like last time. Ballooned up to 135.

What I've had today...
food-1 slice brown toast w/ margerine
-1 banana
-1 halvah bar (300cals)
drinks-diet nestea (0.6cals)
-small glass lite soy milk (100cals)
-1 coffee (25cals)
-1 medium hot chocolate

And you know what? It's 0:38am and I still feel shitty as ever.

2004-03-25T00:08:00.000-05:00

I don't post for a while cause the comp went kaboom. I finally get to go on sani and all hell breaks loose. 5 members leave, 1 of whom I am sad that she has. Secondly, kc's mum calls me tonight saying that she got brought to the hospital by ambulance last friday and that she's getting tests done. Nobody knows what she has and I am extremely worried. My mum tells me I should worry about my own little dillema I am having right now that I cannot speak of, but I cannot. KC is like a little sister that I never had. Well, like a second little sister I never had. Annie's my first little sister...anyways, I am going to visit her on friday and maybe saturday or sunday depending what the visiting hours are.

It's kind of ironic. I wanted to get comfort by sani and I didn't get any. I didn't really ask for any. I'm just saddened and feel like if my "home" is falling apart -__-

2004-03-07T23:35:00.000-05:00

yay. another one of these things

*Basic and Random*

Your real name: Jennifer Charbonneau

Nicknames: Jen, Fire, Muffy

How old are you? 21

With who do you live with? mum and 2 cats

Where do you live? in lasalle, quebec, canada, in a duplex

Where else have you lived: rouyn noranda quebec...where I was born. I moved when I was 8 month old or so therefore I don't remember

Hair color: dark brown

Do you or have you ever dyed your hair?: always have it colored. Right now tis washed out black=reddish reflexion, and a bleached blonde chunky triangle

Hair length: bout 4 inches all over

Where would you like to live: japan

what do you do in your free time? chores, draw, write letters to fellow members, spend time with my sweetie

A typical day in your life: wake up, press snooze button 3456789 times, rush rush to take a shower and make some coffee, run for the bus to get to work, work for a few hours, get home and either go online or sleep.

In what do you usually spend more money: I have to spend 31$ a month for my metro/bus pass, but lately 3/4 of my free time on my lunch hours I'm always in the dollarstore gettign knicknacks

Describe your room: There used to be a pic somewhere...but I can't find it. Has someone deleted it?

who are your closest friends?
shannon~she's rather outgoing, but shy at the same time. Really funny and always great to hang out with.
giulio~he has an ed like I do(ana) and he trains like mad with martial arts. He even teaches a class!
david~yea yea. He's my bf. so what?! lol. he's caring, attentive, and can always make you crack a smile on your worst days

Do you like your hand writing?no I don't like it. I wish it didn't look so messy and common

What did you do today:worked and am now vegging in front of the comp
biggest fears: being alone

tell us something you did that you'll never forget: My bf and I had sex 4 times unprotected this month...am I a risky bitch? fuck yea

what sort of person are in real life? I'm shy to people I don't know and when I'm feeling calm, hyper and talkative as hell when I've had too much sugar

your 3 best phisical features: eyes, ears, and legs

3 best qualities: punctual, honest, and perfectionnist

your resolutions this year:I don't remember...maybe getting down to 100? My mind is lost at the moment!

are you in school? college? uni? work? I work as an assistant in a hair salon and also a hairdresser

if you work: in what?points above

Are you a good student? I was in gym and anything creative...everything else no

What is your talent? creating things with my hands.

favorite subjects: art, music, biology

collect anything?containers so that I can modify them later

are you messy or tidy? organised mess :P

have a pet? 2 cats: OZZY AND GIZMO

have siblings? do you get along with them? i have a younger bro Vincent who's 19. I get along with him alright, but do take note he now lives with my dad.

are you close to your family?i'd like to be

what would you like to change about yourself?be less negative towards myself

do you have kids? want kids? what names would you like for them? OI. kids. I'd be a baby producing machine! LOL. I definately want kids. At least 3. For girl names I like : Amelia, selene, Zakia, selphie, willow, paige. For boy names I like Iori, Zell, Zachary, Lucian, Soren

eye color? dark brown, but green with contacts ^_^

do you workout regularly? Sadly I don't. sometimes in the summer I work out a few times a week to rollerblade, but rollerblading in the snow is a wee bit hard in the winter

stuff you do as soon as you wake up: push cats off of bed, then go brush teeth and take shower

stuff you do before going to bed: feed cats, brush hair and put leave in conditioner

worst habit:forgetting to floss, picking at fingers

best habit: recycle

do you like to write with a pen or pencil? if a pen, what color?pen. mostly purple, red, black, or pink

are you into girlie stuff or are you more of a tomboy? girly...but not pink tutu girly

*Favorites*

Favorite hobby:making jewelry
Favorite type of music:techno/trance
Favorite movie/movies:stargate, emperor's new groove, underworld
Favorite color/colors:black, med/dark pink, burgundy, blood red
Favorite TV Shows: csi and csi miami, law and order
Day of the week and why: mondays. cause i know everyone else has to work or go to school and i don't!
Favorite Season: autumn
Favorite Month: May
Favorite Fruit: Pineapple
Favorite Veggie: snow peas
Favorite Sport: volleyball
Favorite Sports team: none
Favorite Male Athlete: *shrugs*
Favorite Female Athlete: *shrugs*
Favorite Actress: kate beckinsale
Actor: keanu reeves
Favorite Web site: www.pvponline.com
Favorite Food: sushi
Favorite Drink: lichi bubble tea
Favorite Band: evanescence, garbage
Favorite Male singer: sting, uh can't think of any more
Favorite Female singer: gwen stephani, bif naked
Favorite Animal: rat
Favorite Store: kokawai and omer dessers
Radio station: 95.9
Room in your house: comp room
Concert you have been to: backstreet boys in 98
Favorite CD: moby~ play
Favorite Salad: tuna
Favorite Meat: eggs and fish for me
Favorite Place to be: in my bf's arms *snuggle*
Favorite Smell: fresh rain
Favorite Sound: crackling fire
Favorite Taste: sushi and ginger together *drools*
Favorite Feeling: relieving yourself after holding your pee in for sooooooooo long
Favorite Letter: k
Favorite Number: 5
Favorite Book: harry potter series
Favorite Vacation spot: florida? tis the only place i've been to
Favorite Cereal: musslix
Favorite Ice cream flavor: anything coffee like....but not milk
Flower: orchid
Cartoon: power puff girls and sailor moon

*Love Life*
Do you have a crush: yea my bf
Whats his or her name: david
How old are they: 21
How long have you liked him or her: 1 year and 2 months
If you could kiss anyone in the world, who would it be: already kissed him ^_^
If you could date anyone in the world, who would it be: dating him
What is the biggest turn off: farts
What is the biggest turn on: smiles
Do you prefer being the dumper or the dumpee: dumper
Do you think there is a person for everyone: yes. soulmates man!
If yes, do you know who yours is: davey boooooooooo
Where is the best place to be kissed: neck and lower back
Where is the most romantic place to take a date: side of the water
Do you believe in love at first sight: not really
Have you ever been in love: am now
What do you think love is: taking a cup of hot chocolate on a cold day
Do you have a b/f or g/f: yep
Do you want one: already do
How long have you been together: 8 months
What do you like about your crush or b/f, g/f: he's sensitive, funny, honest, caring, and snuggle
When was your first kiss: june 03
Are you a virgin? if not, when did you lose your virginity? lost it to my first bf at 16
Best place you've had sex: shower
weirdest place you've had sex: kitchen table
favorite sexual position: me on top mwahaha
do you watch porn movies? nope
ever had a one night stand? heeeeeelll no

*EDS and other disorders*
Since when do you have an eating disorder: 14
what eating disorder: ana and used to be mia. purge free since summer of 03
are you in therapy? ever had therapy in the past? did/has it helped? never had therapy for ana cause nobody knew about it. Had it for si-ing though. Helped for the first few years, but slowly crept back
other diagnosis you've had:self-mutilator
Goal Weight:100
Lowest weight:111
Ever been inpatient for your ed, depression, etc: nope
do you want to recover: some days I do, others I don't. I change every day
ever been caught [eds or cutting]: nope
physical problems because of ed: not yet...
do you know why you have an ed?yes
do you know why you have SI, Depression, etc: yes
what meds do you take? none
does anyone know about your ed/si/depression/etc: 5 people including my bf know about my ed and si. Only my friend alex knows about me si early this past january. Sadly my bf didn't know
secret behaviours related to your ed(si/depression/etc): like any of us, no eating unless in front of people (most of the time).
do you think self help is useful? sometimes
best ed book you've read: still on my to do list
best ed movie you've watched: saw one many full moons back, but never knew the name...didn't see the whole thing either since my mum changed the channel.
movie/book (ed or si related) you want to read or watch but haven't been able to: all of the stuff people have been recommending on sani.
are you a clutterer? or do you throw away anything you don't need inmediatey: always. I keep containers which one day I'll eventually repaint or do something with them.
do you keep anything that has sentimental value? most important sentimental gifts or things or journals you have: little journal with my friend's addy on them. nothing of sentimental value though

*Have you ever*
Smoked: nope
Been Drunk: yea
Been high: no
Done drugs: smoked one puff of dope when drunk as hell
Skinny dipped: no
Partied until the sun came up: ya
Stole: no
Stayed up all night on the internet: ya
Met someone off the internet (in person): yep. kcisana!
Been in a fist fight: yea in elementary school
Been in a cat fight: no
Wanted to kill someone: not seriously
Fell off a chair: last week
Kissed the same sex: yea
Had feelings for the same sex: just a crush
Lap danced: yea
Attempted Suicide: too many times...

*Do you like (and what if you can be more specific)*
makeup: yea. more dark contrasting shades or even gothic like. Losta eyeshadow and black liner and thickening black mascara
clothes: anything black
stickers: love em stickers! :ok:
jewelery: not bling bling like, but more robust style

2004-03-07T19:23:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in ages because I know that I would keep complaining about the endless shit that has happened to me. Hencing my previous post that was only a phrase long. Instead for today are my results from http://www.ColorQuiz.com/ . Scary enough this is the only online test that has EVER been so acurate about me

Your Existing Situation

Needs, and insists on having, a close and understanding relationship, or
at least some method of satisfying a compulsion to feel identified.

Your Stress Sources

The existing situation is disagreeable. Feels lonely and uncertain as
she has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards
are as high as her own, and wants to stand out from the rank and file.
This sense of isolation magnifies the need into a compelling urge, all
the more upsetting to her self-sufficiency because of the restraint she
normally imposes on herself. Since she wants to demonstrate the unique
quality of her own character, she tries to suppress this need for others
and affects an attitude of unconcerned self-reliance to conceal her fear
of inadequacy, treating those who criticize her behavior with contempt.
However, beneath this assumption of indifference she really longs for
the approval and esteem of others.

Your Restrained Characteristics

Distressed by the obstacles with which she is faced and is no mood for
any form of activity or for further demands on her. Needs peace and
quiet, and the avoidance of anything which might distress her
further.

Feels that she is receiving less than her share and that
there is no one on whom she can rely for sympathy and understanding.
Pent-up emotions and a certain egocentricity make her quick to take
offense, but she realizes that she has to make the best of things as
they are.

Your Desired Objective

Desires a tranquil, peaceful state of harmony offering quiet contentment
and a sense of belonging.

Your Actual Problem

Disappointment at the non-fulfillment of her hopes and the fear that to
formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted
in considerable anxiety. She is trying to escape from this into a
peaceful and harmonious relationship, protecting her from
dissatisfaction and lack of appreciation.

Your Actual Problem #2

Wants to be valued and respected, and seeks this from a close and
peaceful association of mutual esteem.

2004-02-19T01:44:00.000-05:00

I feel like a repulsive piece of shit that is also a walking contradiction.

2004-02-11T01:37:00.000-05:00

Yea yea. Haven't updated in a while. It's not like if anyone actually takes THEIR precious time to read about MY problems and stupid silly things that happen in MY life.

This is a little funny convo that I was having with KT/Cyberstar tonight while a little accident happened...

me: i remember a girl in highschool loved to do that and she borrowed every book of the library to do everyone of em
Andromeda says:wow.
me:but you see, even if she didn't say it, she had an ed too
me: she was an exchange student from germany
Andromeda says:how did you know?
me:and she didn't want to gain weight from being here. she would walk to the gym (bout 1Hour and a half)
me: she lost at least 40 pounds from being here
me:and I heard her speaking to one of my "friends" from highschool on purging
me: she had this bracelet that was for scuba diving. When I met her it was real tight. At the end of the school year, she could put it to her elbow
me:and she'd be restricting like mad. she'd have a carrot with a slice of lettuce around it for her meal of the day
Andromeda says: wow
Andromeda says:sounds good. yum.
me:once we went to wal mart and she had a small box of chocolates. she said that she was allowed to eat these since she lost enough calories for that week
me:lol yea
me:so yea
me:i kept telling her and she kept saying "i have nothing" or kept the excuse cause she was an exchange student
me:damn I wish I had THAT excuse
Andromeda says:LOL
Andromeda says:I want to be an exchange student
Andromeda says:I have been planning it for years
me:I'd have trouble...
me:me not a student anymore
Andromeda says:LOL
me:that being my main concern
Andromeda says:you can do it in college
me:i'm done college
me:somewhat
Andromeda says:pfffft
Andromeda says:no one's done with college
Andromeda says:lool
Andromeda says:lol*
me:yea
me:i quit college
me:and went into a professionnal program
Andromeda says:fun
me:shit!!!!!!!!!!!
Andromeda says:hm?
me:i had a candle on top of the kitty box (plastic covering) and it caught on fire!!!!!!
Andromeda says:omilord
Andromeda says:LOL
Andromeda says:take a picture!
Andromeda says:hahaha
me:now there's a huge whole on top of the kitty box
me:my mum is gonna be saying what the fuck happened here!
Andromeda says:*is cracking up like mad*
me:I couldn't put the fire out so I spit in it and the glass broke in half
me:it's not funny!
me:one minute it was fine, the next BOOM!
Andromeda says:Yes it is
me:I had a few inscence sticks in the candel wax and they caught fire
me:damn
Andromeda says:My mom thinks I'm nuts
me:?
Andromeda says:I'm laughing at a computer
Andromeda says:LOL
Andromeda says:Not to mention I have that cat picture up right now
me:there's smoke everywhere
me:brb
Andromeda says:eep
me:back
me:goddam
Andromeda says:got it out?
me:the fire was out when I wrote to you
Andromeda says:oh
me:tryign to take smoke out...
Andromeda says:LOL
me:my mum's asleep
Andromeda says:yeeeep
me:but if she wakes up cause of the smell
Andromeda says:for how long?
me:burn plastic
Andromeda says:iiick
me:hmmmm yummy
me:for bout 2 hours
Andromeda says:
you burned it for TWO HOURS?
chill me, thrill me, fullfill me, and then leave me the hell alone says:the candle about
Andromeda says:ooooh
me:but not let it burn to a crisp for two hours are you NUTS? lol
Andromeda says:I thought you meant the catbox
Andromeda says:lol

Food wise...I've been off of junk food for almost 2 weeks I believe. I'm still restricting, and I want to continue. I want to thin out. It's sad at the same time. I don't want to be the main star of attraction, but I also want people to feel bad for me. I'm one sick fuck.

2004-02-03T02:16:00.000-05:00

Lately many things have been irratating me. The thought of eating of course, but comments made by people I thought cared about me as well. Maybe they just didn't know or it just slipped out of their mouths. Some of course don't know about my problem, but the ones that do it's as if they purposely said certain things. It hurts me inside cause I can't lash back out at them. I have too much of a good heart for that. I also feel that if I would end up lashing out at them they would start crying or swearing or just mouthing off at me defending themselves. Or even end up asking more questions. I hate it when they ask questions. Don't they know it makes it much more worse than it already is?

On another note I finally found a job. It's at Blue Earth downtown. I am an assistant for now, but I am a hairdresser on sundays until I learn the necessary abilities of the different hair colouring products since they are different from the ones I used at school. I am also looking for a part/full time job that is possibly night shift cause I am litterally bored off of my ass. Going to work in a salon for me is like doing artwork at home or just going to school. I am enjoying it so much that it doesn't feel like work. Anywho, I applied to café depot downtown (2 metro stations away from Blue Earth) for night shift. They were pleased to hear that I knew how to make the basic coffees like expresso, cafe latte, cappuccino, and mochacinno. They said they would call me this week. If they don't I'll pass again or call them to see what's up. I really want this job ^_^

2004-01-19T05:49:00.000-05:00

Got a poem found on brokenfaerie's site. Thank you!

2004-01-19T05:32:00.000-05:00

I've FINALLY updated some stuff, including my template. Ain't it pre-tty? Ain't my poem or the template itself. Got it at blogskin.com. They have pretty nifty stuff there, but you really have to go looking for what you want if you'd like something different than the usual blogger skins.

I need to create a poem...I really suck at writing stories, so you can image how bad I am with poems! Maybe I'll find one in sani. I'll be back.

2004-01-19T04:09:00.000-05:00

This is quite interesting. It's 4 am and I'm getting tired. Yea. Not THAT interesting. The fact that I found THE song that I've been looking for for years is thrilling! I practically jumped out of my chair when I heard it. Me quite happy. It's Tree Frog by Chris Sheppard. Of course when I was looking for the song I had no clue what the title or the artist was so I was just looking by what you hear in the song. Testing each song I downloaded. So Happy! The first and only time that I heard this song I was in grade 3...so that's around 11 years or so. It's about damn time!

Going to dim sum with the gang later today. I am deathly afraid of what I am going to eat. I haven't eaten in two days, just a liquid fast. So far lost 3 pounds in 2 days which is good. I know it isn't permanent, but if only I wasn't going to dim sum! I don't want to let Howard down. He's such a nice person and a lot of people don't take into realisation that he does so much for everyone without taking anything back in return. I'll just have steamed veggies and maybe a bit of meat. Very little.

2004-01-17T15:32:00.000-05:00

These are some of my pet peeves:

Having to repeat myself to others.

People skipping in front of lines to meet their friends. hello that's cheating! grr.

Tags sticking out of shirts.

People sapping their food, slurping on their soup, the "shing" noise when the fork scracthes a plate, elbows on the table.

Feeling like binging on food that I don't even like. Just for the texture...like crunchiness or softness of the food.

Not having lipbalm on hand.

Not being able to listen to my music when i NEED to in desprate measures.

Having too many "unsafe" foods to pick from when it's meal time.

Friends and family asking too many irrelevant questions, or mostly about me. Even if they don't know about my ed.

2004-01-11T21:46:00.000-05:00

I've been gone for a while. Things have happened. Mostly the famous "chalet trip". There are the pros and cons, good and bad, and whatever. I'll put the more happier events or thoughts first cause good news is always nice to hear first.

PROS OR GOOD THINGS/THOUGHTS

*Compliments on how good my cooking was and actually asking for the recipe on cookies.
*Got to go swimming, use sauna,whirpool, and ice skating.
*Got to sit next to a pretty fire.
*Got to see some people that I haven't been able to in a while.

CONS OR THINGS THAT PISSED ME OFF

*People saying they would help cook and didn't even do BULLSHIT. They'd ask when we'd be serving soup if they could do anything. They damn well knew it was too fucking late to do that.
*Cooked for everyone for hours and get complaints about the chicken not being cooked enough cause of an incompetant oven. I'm glad Scott barked at Liz for her excuse of not having more chicken.
*Saw naked women in the locker rooms complaining they just got their period and didn't have tampons. Gross.
*Ran out of wood. Bought more wood. Ran out of wood again. Went to steal some from neighbours. The heating stops cause of broken wire of some sort and nobody bothers to call the hotel until about 3 hours before we have to leave.
*Actually got to bed at a reasonable time on the last night at 10pm and wake up at around 3 am in the morning freezing cold and seeing our breath. Creep into the fireplace and try to sleep without luck.
*I don't go out to the spa, or horseback riding to keep the 40$ that I initially brought ONLY for the transportation home since I didn't have any. Apparently there was no bus and I found this out on the last 2 days there and missed all of the goods. People kept asking me and saying blah blah blah shit that was pissing me off so much that I just wanted to rip their fucking heads off.
*Sure I didn't do any dishes. I had the damn right not to as well as Dave, Howard, and Scott, but unfortunately they ended up doing some of it. The people that I have never even touch a dirty plate was Genevieve, Lizzie, Elizabeth, and Cat. And THEY were the ones that didn't want me and dave to be kitchen bitches this year. HAH.

I just plainly hated the chalet. People asking too many questions about stupid irrelevant things and being lazy asses the whole time. They actually went and bought MORE food on the second or third day there even though the cupboard was filled with bread, but they wanted BAGELS. Damn. And they took pre-cut bagels. Prolly over 2 bucks a bag each. Got 3 bags. They don't take the cheapest of things either. Nothing in the cupboard that they had bought from the market was cheap. No wonder Lizzie was freaking out on money. She waned uber expensive lazy assed pre-cut, microwavable shit so all the work they'd have to do was walk to the kitchen for 2 minutes and not give a fucking shit about the so called "kitchen bitches" doing the right and mature responsible acts.

2003-12-31T04:27:00.000-05:00

"This is fun, it came from TF, which was taken from a diary. lol
Basically, bold anything on the list that applies to you." by cyberstar in sanitarium ^_^

01. I smoke cigarettes
02. I love campy things (if i understand the meaning correctly, yeah!)
03. I always wear mascara
04. I love vintage jewelry
05. I am highly emotional (i don't think "emotional" is the right word...)
06. I am bisexual [but lean towards lesbian most of the time]
07. My favorite holiday is Halloween
08. I have no religious affiliation
09. I usually have the TV on in the background for "comfort"
10. I like listening to other people
11. I find the silliest and most stupid things hilarious
12. I love comments
13. Fall is an excellent season
14. I prefer trains and busses to driving
15. I want to learn how to play piano
16. I like cats
17. I love shoes
18. I am hooked on the Amazon.com wishlist feature because it reminds me of things I want to eventually buy
19. I worry about irrational things
20. I hate social labels of any kind
21. I am prone to colds
22. I have such a terrible sense of direction I sometimes get lost in my own neighborhood.
23. I dye my hair regularly
24. I have a cell phone
25. I want to learn many languages
26. I have experimented with many drugs
27. The only late night television show i like is "Late Night with Conan O'Brien"
28. I'm generous when i like people
29. Strangers always make conversation with me
30. I am very nostalgic
31. The only facial feature I like about myself is my nose
32. I've never been in a motorcycle wreck
33. I have never traveled out of the country
34. I love writing letters on lined paper
35. I have never been to Europe
36. I am often unmotivated
37. I've lived in NYC for my whole life, yet I have never visited the statue of liberty
38. I am a very passionate person
39. I can often easily find beauty in everyone (not EVERYONE, but most)
40. Small talk really pisses me off (but "pisses me off" isn't the word i'd use... i have a limited tolerance for small talk. which is why i often post things like these )
41. I collect cigarette boxes.
42. I often feel like I'm living a different life than the one I was supposed to be living.
43. I have at least one scar
44. I usually stay up until the wee hours of the morning
45. I think that funny men are the sexiest men alive
46. I have never been in love, but, lust is no stranger to me at all.
47. I went through a pretty heavy Goth stage once
48. I oftentimes feel like my life plays out like a really bad, stupid movie that no one would go see
49. I have kissed a girl
50. I've seen snow before
51. We have cable
52. I would rather be very cold than very hot
53. One of my favorite books is Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
54. I've never had cancer
55. I never ever get enough sleep
56. I have my lip & nose pierced
57. I have asthma
58. Suburban, mainstream, strip-malled "middle America" scares the crap out of me. Really.[amen to that.]
59. I want to travel around the world
60. People think I'm very amusing...or something
61. My first crush ever was Madonna
62. I have over 100 CD's. [including my parents']
63. I really need to quit smoking soon
64. "Family Guy" is my favorite cartoon of all time
65. I went to the same junior high school as my mother and grandfather
66. I don't miss high school, at ALL
67. I am forever intrigued by good artists/painters
68. I see the many flaws in society, but, I am way too lazy to care
69. I wish I was a good writer
70. I am a night person
71. My desktop is a picture of Björk (guess again)
72. I have decent handwriting
73. I love having long conversations
74. Animals like me
75. I love kissing. Sometimes it's better than sex.
76. CIA stands for CHRISTMAS IS AWESOME!
77. I have a corset. [bustier]
78. homestarrunner.com. 'Nuff said.
79. All my life, people have told me that I look like Christina Ricci.
80. I am on medications
81. Drag Queens are fabulous
82. I usually feel about 20 years older than I actually am (maybe not 20...)
83. I started to talk at roughly 1 years old
84. I have 3 kittens
85. Elliott Smith makes me weep
86. I get paranoid about things
87. I have short, stubby fingers, and I hate em.
88. I am extremely moody, and my mood can change in a blink of an eye.
89. "I'm having a barbeque this weekend". is a phrase I have never said and probably will never say.
90. I love my real friends more than anything on this planet
91. I think straight guys making out is extremely sexy
92. I sing very well, and I have won awards and contests with my singing abilities
93. Best Canadians ever: The Kids in the Hall (sorry, degrassi)
94. I HATE winter
95. I cannot watch scary movies alone
96. The most annyoing songs are always stuck in my head
97. I love to cook
98. I like list making
99. My father and I were very close when I was a little girl
100. I love coffee.

2003-12-28T18:54:00.000-05:00

I hate x-mas binges. It's horrible. Too much food everywhere I go and I "have" to eat it to make the others happy. Piss off. I need to do something about this

2003-12-26T22:46:00.000-05:00

Yea...boxing day is killer downtown of montreal. I waited 25 minutes in line at la senza to buy a bra, fought myself through 3 shoe stores to find a pair that pleased me, and almost fainted of too much heat! So many people!

*today*
-iced coffee latte with 2 packs of raw sugar
-1 slim fast drink with concoction of pills: 2 eucalyptus-2 echinacea-4 seaweed-1 cranberry-1 multivitamin-1 B6

I'm SO freaking about tomorrow and the rest of the holidays. I'm not eating unless in the presence of other people and even then. There is no way in hell that I am going to become the fat lardass of 145 pounds from last year. Not unless someone kills me or something.

I need to find a bathing suit for the chalet. My old one is too big. I looked for one at the bay but they were 50 bucks and up. Sheesh. Howcome they're so expensive now??? I need to find one pronto. I want to go swimming!

2003-12-21T20:00:00.000-05:00

Found this on chilled2perfection's journal...

ANOREXIA NERVOSA LYRICS

Time of puberty

Age of quandary

Sorrow and worries

Disagreement

Predicament

I enigmatize

Weakness overcomes my body, my brain's so empty

I lose my appetite, day in day out

My body's deeply marked, I'm undernourished

Mental changes, my mind is splitting

Inferiority complexes, time to confess

Pride and power, is giving me the hunger

Depr4ession and apathy, is changing my spirit

Time to go hungry

It gives me great joy

Pleasure and satisfaction

To fight against

My hunger pangs

Gives me pride

Feeling of sheer terror

To see me in the mirror

I could be so fat

Every pound I lose

Helps me on the course

To my sheer perfection

I don't realize how bad my body's feeling

My eyes see only my perfect slim body

But really I'm a half-starved skeleton

2003-12-19T05:23:00.000-05:00

Almost exactly an hour later I am finally finished with my essay! I am so happy that it is over that I shall show it to you all mwaahahhaa. Hope you can read french!

Mon expérience a été bien et mauvais une partie du temps. La première semaine était horrible et je voulais tout arrêter immédiatement et ne jamais voir un autre être humain. Après avoir parlé avec mon prefesseur et mon petit ami ils m`ont convaincu de continuer à y aller et de ne pas tout laisser tomber. Je me suis persuadée que le stage n`était la pire épreuve de ma carrière et qu`avec le temps ca va seulement devenir mieux en mieux. Les tâches que j`ai effectuées étaient le service à la clientèle qui consistait de nettoyer/traiter leurs cheveux, leur offrir un brevage, et ensuite de l`asseoir à la station de leur styliste. Quand il y avait aucun client a être servi la vaiselle devait être nottoyé, des cheveux balayé du plancher, et des serviettes et sarots à être ramassé du vestier et de la chambre de bain.

Les équipements utilisées durant ma formation était le lavabo et la machine à expresso. J`ai appris comment faire des expresso, cafés au lait, cappuccino, mochaccino, cafés allongés, et le meilleur chocolat chaud qui peut exister.

Mon estime de soi était pas de mon meilleur durant mes jours chez Orbite. À l`èxterieur je souriait, mais à l`interieur j`étais fatigué, triste, faché, découragé, et malade. Je voulais souvent monter l`esprit de mon entourage pour me sentir plus à l`aise. Quand je passais les stylistes sur mon temps libre je leur demandais quelque chose a boire pour remonter leur moral et ils étaient contents que je montrait de l`interèt a eux.

Mes forces au début de mon stage était que j`apprennait vite et je retiennait ce que je devait faire. Mes faiblesses étaient l`initiation, ma vitesse, et que je prennais tout trop personellement. Une journée Nathalie (ma responable) m`a prit par le bras pour me dire un mot pendant que je prennait la commande d`un client d`un styliste pour un brevage. Elle m`a dit que je faisait pas un bon travail et qu`il fallait que j`agisse plus vite. J`ai lâcher en lui disant que je ne pouvait pas me diviser en trois personnes pour faire tout ce quelle désir. Elle était surprise que je lui ai repondu d`une telle manière ainsi que toute la semaine je n`ai rien dit. Je le gardait tout a moi, pleurait et boudait dans la chambre de bain. Ma nouvelle acquis c`est que j`ai appris de ne pas prendre les affaires si personellement et j`ai améliorer la vitesse donc avec les shampooings et la vaiselle.

J`ai reçu une haute formation d`un des plus gros salons de coiffure à Montréal. Orbite à treize stylistes et quatre coloristes. Tout doit être fait d`une rapidité supérieure ainsi que ca roule beaucoup. Le shampooing doit être fait en moins de 3 minutes et cela inclus le massage! Envoyer le client à son styliste et ensuite faire son brevage avec la machine a expresso. Le maximum de service en très peut de temps.

Je voudrais poursuivre dans un salon moderne mais moins chaotique qu` Orbite. Avoir plus d`une relation avec le client et d`être proche d`eux dans un plus petit salon. J`aime la couleur et le stylisme, mais je favorise le metier de coloriste ainsi qu`il me permet de jouer mon imagination et ma créativité.

2003-12-19T04:17:00.000-05:00

It's 4:20 am and I am re-writing a good copy in french of my stage experience. Here is the crappy version non-edited what-so-ever in english!

My experience has been good and bad at times. The first week was horrible and I wanted to quit on the spot and never see a human being again. After talking it out with my teacher and my boyfriend (petit ami) they had convinced me that I had to keep going and not to give up. I convinced myself that stage is only the worst part of my whole career and after that it can only get better.

The tasks done were taking care of the clients which are of cleaning/treating their hair, serving them a drink, and seating them. When there were no clients to be taken care of there were dishes to be cleaned, hair to be swept from the floor, and towels and cloaks to be picked up from the changing room and washroom.

The equipments that I have used during my formation was the sink and the expresso machine. I have learned a whole new technique of washing and untangling hair. I have also learned how to make an expresso, cafe au lait, cappuccino, mochaccino, cafe allonge, and one mean hot chocolate.

I have tried to be in the best of my temper during the whole stage. I wanted to appear happy even if I was tired, sad, angry, dissapointed, and sick. I always wanted to cheer others up even if I wasn't feeling the same. When I would pass by some of the stylists on my free time I would offer them something to drink to spice them up and they were glad that I was paying attention to them.

My strengths at the start of the stage is that I learn quickly and that I memorise what to do. My weaknesses were that I didn't which order to start things from, slowness, and that I would take things too personally. Nathalie (responsable) had grabbed my arm once when she wanted to talk to me while I was listening to the stylist give me an order for a drink. She said that I wasn't doing my job properly and that I had to act fast. I blurted out that I didn't have 3 bodies to fling all over the place to do as she desired. She was surprised that I had talked back at her since most of the formation I would take everything inside and sulk in the washroom. My new strength is that I have been able to get a backbone and attained speed in cleaning hair and cleaning dishes.

I recieved a high formation from one of the largest salons in montreal. Orbite has 13 hairdressers and 4 colourists and assistant colourists. Everything must be done extremely fast, almost inhumane at first. Client is recieved at the bench. Must do 2 shampoos and a possible conditioning treatment in less than 3 minutes and then forward the client into the stylist's chair asking if he or she would like to have something to drink. If so, make the cappucino from the expresso machine as fast as you can in the smallest place possible with maybe 2 other people in the way. Serve the client. When there are no clients: sweep the floor, clean up the changing room of cloaks and towels, check the loo for towels and replace kleenex and toilet paper if needed, clean stylists posts when clients have left, clean dishes.

I would like to persue into an average sized salon with a moderate high class of style. A homey kind of place where I could communicate with the client more and not like a factory. I would like to become a colourist and a hairdresser, but if i had the choice I would become a colourist.

2003-12-19T02:24:00.000-05:00

I am: HIGH ON CAFFEINE
I love: MY BF DAVID
I hate: THE TRANSIT SYSTEM
I fear: GETTING BIG
I hope: I WILL SUCCEED
I hear: MY MUSIC
I crave: SLEEP
I regret: EATING/STARVING
I cry: TOO OFTEN
I care: TOO MUCH AT TIMES
I always: PICK AT MY FINGERS
I believe: IN LOVE
I feel alone: TOO OFTEN
I listen: TO MY HEART
I hide: IN MY COVERS
I drive: LIKE A MADWOMAN...IN A BUMPER CAR
I sing: LIKE A HYENA
I write: NOT THAT GREAT
I run: NOT ENOUGH
I miss: BEING UNDER 10
I learn: FROM EVERYONE
I feel: CHALLENGED
I know: NOT ENOUGH
I say: MUMBLED WORDS
I succeed: IN HAIRCOLOUR
I dream: OF RAIN
I wonder: IF I WILL EVER BE ALRIGHT
I want: A HUG
I have: MY TRUE LOVE
I give: TO MANY
I recieve: FROM FEW
I fight: WHEN NEEDED
I need: TO FAST
I was: WEAK
I want to: BE STRONGER

2003-12-18T00:47:00.000-05:00

After a few days of rest Jen is finally back in action..well, for now that is. I found out the hard way that stress, lack of sleep, and too much work causes exaustion, hallucinations, and catching the flu. I hated this week.

I started my period on the night of the 10th and here I am on the wee hours of the 18th and it's still flowing. Piss off. The first few days were way too overloaded and now it's lighter, but still annoying. I never had it longer than 5 days before. I also knicked my arm on something earlier and it won't stop bleeding. weird.

2003-12-10T12:53:00.000-05:00

For those who read my blog. I am terribly sorry if I have offended you in any way, but this blog is my only way of venting out my feelings at the moment without putting a knife to my skin. I am trying to get better, but whenever something happens it keeps getting worse and worse. My problems with trust has partially come back and I have to work at it. Life is hard and I have to deal with it.

2003-12-10T12:06:00.000-05:00

I am really deprived of energy. Either I'm eating, sleeping, or working. Or even barely moving around. I am so exausted. I thought with 4 days rest I would be able to recuperate. Maybe it's cause I haven't had coffee in 4 days too ^^'

2003-12-07T23:26:00.000-05:00

1. Current Height: 5"3.5
2. Current Weight: last time I weighed myself was over a week ago and I was at 116
3. Current BMI: 20.5
4. Lowest weight at current height: 111 I miss that day
5. Highest weight at current height: 145
6. Pant size: 5 and 7
7. Top size: small and medium
8. Have you ever been diagnosed with an eating disorder? nope
9. How often do you weigh yourself? used to every morning. afraid to now
10. Have you cried after weighing yourself/ trying on clothes? trying on clothes. not cried, but almost ripped them off
11. If you could have any body type, what would you choose? at least get to a B sized cup and get a flat stomach. Have a more womanly figure
12. What type do you have: weird A sized cup , plumpy stomach, and no womanly shape whatsoever
13. How happy would you say you are with your body as it is right at this moment? if i don't look at it i am fine. i look at my stomach and I grab it hoping i could grab all of the fat off of it
14. Have you been made fun of because of your weight? my brother had constantly bugged me during highschool
15. Did it contribute to how you feel about yourself now? heck yea. that's how i thought all guys thought about my body
16. Does it take you a long time to find something that looks halfway decent on you? yea. i'm short and no womanly figure. see the problem
17. If you could snap your fingers and make yourself any weight, what number would you choose? 99
18. What celebrity, in your opinion, has the perfect body? angelina jolie *drools*
19. Other than physical appearance, how do you feel about yourself? alright
20. Do you think you'd be happier about yourself if you were comfortable with your weight? heck yea
Choose: The "perfect" body or inner peace? I can't choose. I want both

2003-12-07T23:10:00.000-05:00

bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeh

BASICS~~~~~~~~~~
~your name: Jennifer
~nickname: firegirl or muffin
~birthday: november 11, 1982
~zodiac sign: the fierce scorpio
~color of eyes: reddish brown
~color of hair: washed out red.
~age: 21
~sex: FFFFFFFF
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~HAVE YOU EVER...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~been in love: right now actually ^_^
~gone out in public in your pajamas: pj day at school
~cheated on a b/f or g/f:hell no
~kept a secret from everyone: yea
~had an imaginary friend: no
~imaginary friends names: n/a
~wanted to hook up with a friend: been there done that
~cried during a movie: yea
~had a crush on a teacher?: ew no
~done something to impress your crush: yea
~found a cartoon character attractive: yea darien from sailor moon lol
~gotten in a car accident: somewhat. a car was trying to park and kinda ran over my big toe
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~FAVORITES...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~shampoo: l'oreal professional intense repair.
~day/night: night
~band or singer: garbage
~type(s) of music: techno
~Boxers/briefs: briefs
~eye color on the opp. sex: green and brown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~OTHER STUFF...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~do you have a crush: hah yea. dave duh
~do you play a musical instrument: used to : clarinet
~do you have a job, if yes, what: hair dresser assistant. I get to wash people's hair and clean up stuff *twirls finger in air*
~do you have a best friend: yea
~who's your funniest friend: shannon
~who do you go to the mall with the most: chantal
~who do you e-mail the most: chantal
~who's the loudest at Sani: *shrugs*
~who's the shyest at Sani: *shrugs* maybe me?
~Most Likely To PM for advice: dollshape or kcisiana(fred)
~Mosy Likely cry with: dave
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~IN THE LAST 24 HOURS...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~cried: nope
~helped someone: helped a woman with her baby carrier up the metro stairs yesterday
~cut your hair:nope
~been mean: nope
~been sarcastic: yea
~gone to the movies: no
~taken a test: online only
met someone new: yea. coworkers yesterday
~written in a journal: yep tonight
~watched your favorite movie: nope
~missed someone: yea
~had a nightmare: no
been scared: no

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~wished upon a star: this past summer
~Laughed until you cried: last week
~watched a sunrise/sunset: last summer
~spent quality time alone: a while ago
~went to the beach at night: when I was 13
~read a book for fun: 4 months ago. harry potter and the goblet of fire. never got to finish it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~RIGHT NOW
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~what are you wearing: mickey mouse sweater with white pants with black vertical stripes on the side
~are you lonely: yea. miss davey boo
~are you happy: bleh
~are you talking to someone online: nope
~how are you feeling: sick and tired
~do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend: dave
~your best friend is: chanty and dave
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MISC. QUESTIONS...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~do you like school: yep. finished with it!
~do you have any good advice: stop thinking negatively. life is too short...
~do you like to dance: yea...alone or on the ddr pad though
~are u scared to ask someone out: yea
~have you ever thought you were going to die: too many times
~sleep with stuffed animals: somewhat. the cats are fluffy
~have you ever broken/fractured a bone: yep. pinky and ring finger
~are yourself a good listener: yea
~do you sing in the shower: nope
~have you ever been drunk: yeaaa
~most scandelous thing you've done: dunno
~what color is your toothbrush: red
~Coke or Pepsi: diet coke
~what is the hardest thing about growing up: growing up itself. not being a child anymore
~do you believe in love at first sight:
~best feeling in the world: hehe orgasms is right on the dot lol and smiling so hard that you face hurts

2003-12-07T22:50:00.000-05:00

After a week of pure hell, here I am at home doing tests from quizilla again. I'm an addict.

You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-12-02T20:54:00.000-05:00

First day of stage was exhaisting! My god. The first 3 hours I wanted to quit right there. Just the stress of it all my god. It's such a different atmosphere from school. I have to be uber quick at making shampoos and making expresso. I was all lost at first, but I got a bit used to it. Heh. Tomorrow's another day!

2003-12-01T00:39:00.000-05:00

Look! A picture of me and Fred teehee!

http://medlem.spray.se/missfaye/firekc.png

2003-11-29T19:16:00.000-05:00

I regret so much not hanging around the hairdressing class more than I should. Almost all of my free time I would go to Dawson and look at where it got me. All I got was Dave and Chantal in some ways. Shannon as well. I realised it when it was the last day of school. The class and I went to L'an Jeu to drink and sing karaoke and it was great. I told Suzanne and Genevieve about my eating problems. They gave me reassuring hugs and said that I was an amazing girl. How often has that been said to me? Not often. Well, only from Dave actually. That's about it. I felt so great, but so awful at the same time. How could I have been such a reserving girl in class and not even bother? I was too afraid and now I have lost 2 battles and not even won 1.

2003-11-26T22:17:00.000-05:00

I am in the worst fucking mood ever to exist. Shannon made me realise how much people aka. "friends" don't give a fucking shit about lots of friends, including me and shannon in general. A certain catherine wanted me to cut her hair. I said yes, but then "forgot" my scissors at school. Am I really friends with her? I dunno. Same for Alex. She wants me to do her hair cause I know how, but unless you're polish, you're a moron. Her cousin was over a few months or something and completely ignored everyone else. Everything had to be her fucking way. Sure it doesn't imply for today's little thing, but meh. Today was lizzie's birthday supper. it was organised at the last minute, but suddenly we were a good 20 people. Sure it's nice. It's always nice when they fucking remember. Poor shannon. I even forgot exactly which day was her birthday, even though I knew it was in september. I forget. I wish I didn't, cause for those who actually give a damn about me shouldn't be forgotten. It hurts like bloody hell. When everyone around you is all happy for a friend's birthday and everyone gets gifts that they would actually appreciate. Sure I'm out of Dawson, but i am apparently still friends with the drawson gang. I'm really fucking frustrated right now. i hacked my leg with frustration and still feel pissed. I want to hack some more. Take the fucking pain away. I tried to keep my face almost neutral and try to keep a good face cause you know, I COMPLAIN TOO FUCKING MUCH. I try to be all happy and cheery, but inside my blood is boiling to the point of evaporation. I want to hit everything. I want to destroy myself. I feel like if it is my fault that nobody gives a damn. give give FUCKING GIVE. I give out of all of my heart and I get nothing in return. SHannon gave me a reassuring hug and left tonight with eliz to smoke up i think. At least she was going to have a nice evening to end with. I have nobody to talk to about this. Nobody to hack with. Nobody to starve with. They all just want me to quit. I can't. They want me to cope. I can't fucking cope. I want to be ok.

2003-11-23T23:45:00.000-05:00

BTW it was June 23 not 24th! ha! Yea. I told dave last month that it was our 4 month aniversary, but my mum was there saying it was 5 months and so did he and blah. I just kept it to that. I'll notify him tomorrow with a calendar! mwaha!

Ate healthy today even though I feel so awful cause of the meds. Had a bowl of cereal with soy milk (shouldn't have! tummy ache), 2 yogourts, oatmeal with pears and flaxseed, and for supper canned spaghetti and yellow wax beans. yay.

2003-11-23T21:15:00.000-05:00

Woohoo! Congrats on your anniversary Turkey and Muffin. But if you got together on June 24, isn't that only FIVE months?... December is six months away from June.... Oh well, happy hanky-panking anyways!

Other thing worth celebrating: THE TRANSIT STRIKE IS OVER!!!!!!!!!! :D

I AM: sarcastic
I WANT: the ability to cure people by touch. it'd also be nice to flap my arms and fly
I HAVE: an ability to make people laugh
I WISH: that no one has to suffer
I HATE: powerlessness
I MISS: innocence
I FEAR: not telling! mwaha
I HEAR: a soundtrack in my head. also, the keyboard
I SEARCH: for ways to improve
I WONDER: did I say something rude yesterday?
I REGRET: too many things
I LOVE: to love and be loved!
I ACHE: inside
I AM NOT: a "cripple"
I DANCE: on the DDR pad
I SING: badly ;)
I CRY: too often in public, very rarely when it's convenient (by myself at home)
I AM NOT ALWAYS: kind
I WRITE: to keep myself sane
I CONFUSE: to the extent that I myself am confused. Confusing, no?
I NEED: to clear my mind
I SHOULD: get started on my hwork instead of doing this lil survey
x. father thinks i am: daddy's girl
x. mother thinks i am: smart and talented, but too much of a procrastinator
x. my boyfriend/girlfriend thinks I am: once I have one, I'll ask him
x. three things you are often complimented for:
1. creativity (writing, drawing)
2. sense of humour and wittiness (public speaking)
3. determination

x. makes you happy: seeing the people I care and love around me happy
x. upsets you: seeing people suffer and not being able to help

2003-11-23T17:50:00.000-05:00

Today is Dave and I's 6 month anniversary! ^_^ He's gonna try to come over tomorrow after work cause of transit strike teehee

Found this in sani. Thought I'd share...

I AM: alive
I WANT: to be out on my own with Dave ASAP.
I HAVE: a migraine
I WISH: I didn't get the urge to cut as much
I HATE: my stomach
I MISS: my rat Mochi
I FEAR: big crowds, food
I HEAR: my cats fighting
I SEARCH: for perfection
I WONDER: how I'd look like if I was 99 pounds
I REGRET: purging
I LOVE: Davey Boo lol
I ACHE: to be thin
I AM NOT: perfect enough
I DANCE: when I am happy and alone at home
I SING: when I want to relax alone
I CRY: when I cannot take the pain anymore
I AM NOT ALWAYS: in self-pity
I WRITE: not enough
I CONFUSE: everyone, myself
I NEED: to clear my mind
I SHOULD: drink a glass of water
x. father thinks i am: daddy's girl even if I never had a father-daughter relationship in the first place...
x. mother thinks i am: alright and still hiding things from her and is pissing me off sometimes
x. my boyfriend/girlfriend thinks I am: the best thing that's happened to him
x. three things you are often complimented for:
1. creativity
2. laugh
3. weight loss

x. makes you happy: seeing the people I care and love around me happy
x. upsets you: seeing the scale go up and down, looking in the mirror on my bad days, when things don't go my way the first time and the urge to cut deeply.

2003-11-21T21:51:00.000-05:00

Got to do chantal's make-over today. She looks so pre-tty ^_^ Happy with what I've done. I was So stressed though. I thought we had 4 hours to do the exam, but we actually had 6 and everything turned out fine. I am still freaking about tomorrow though. No transportation of the metros so mum is bringing me to the medley for the fashion show (last time doing hair on models for school!) and I'll have to take a taxi home.

I never really thought of what I was initially afraid of in life. Some people it's heights, others spiders, me I dunno. Of course I have my food phobia, but I noticed with the transit system all messed up lots more people are on the bus and metros and I freak out. I guess I can't handle crowds that well *blush*

Had WAY too much coffee today man. Wooooooweee. I had a yogourt plus a bowl of raison all bran cereal with soy milk. A big max of 500 cals prolly

2003-11-19T22:37:00.000-05:00

I had my streak exam today. It went rather well considering I had never done a client by myself before. The girl had THE worst hair ever, but I got to bleach and do another colour as well. Twice the job.

Ate moderate ...2 yogourts 140 cals and a bag of popcorn...

2003-11-19T00:54:00.000-05:00

Your soul is bound to the Glass Rose: The
Fragile.

"My heart lies somewhere between perfection
and dust. And while my soul is a sight to
behold, I shatter at the blink of an
eye."

The Glass Rose is associated with perfection,
beauty, and frailty. It is governed by the
goddess Aphrodite and its sign is the Looking
Glass, or Tenuous Love.

As a Glass Rose, you have a beautiful soul and
naturally attract people to you. Love comes
naturally to you, but it hardly ever lasts.
Though you embody the perfect form of love,
your own faults are your own undoing.

What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla

Aphrodite/Eros

?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Persephone, from "The Matrix."
Tough cookie, you are, yet there are strains of
sadness and desire that lie beneath you- of
course, you wouldn't want anyone to know.
You're too busy putting up a facade.

What Matrix Persona Are You?
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<<>>???What Kind Of Angel R You???<<>>( Anime Pics )
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Form 0, Phoenix: The Eternal.

"And The Phoenix's cycle had reached
zenith, so he consumed himself in fire. He
emerged from his own ashes, to be forever
immortal."

Some examples of the Phoenix Form are Quetzalcoatl
(Aztec), Shiva (Indian), and Ra-Atum
(Egyptian).
The Phoenix is associated with the concept of life,
the number 0, and the element of fire.
His sign is the eclipsed sun.

As a member of Form 0, you are a determined
individual. You tend to keep your sense of
optomism, even through tough times and have a
positive outlook on most situations. You have
a way of looking at going through life as a
journey that you can constantly learn from.
Phoenixes are the best friends to have because
they cheer people up easily.

Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Your element is Air. You are an artistic person
with a unique sense of style. You are
intelligent; although prone to wonder in
thought which, prevents you from paying full
attention to most things, constantly active and
most likely like to sing. Constantly moving the
air is a force of nature. One moment you can be
a breeze the next a tornado.

What's your element
brought to you by Quizilla

But my fave season is fall!
You're Most Like The Season Spring ...

Fresh faced, with a young outlook on life - you
smile at the world and expect it to smile back
at you. You're mostly a bubbly, fun - innocent
person. Described as cute possibly. However,
you're a little naive about things and tend to
be a little too trustworthy.
As the first season, It Makes you the youngest -
and so most immature - but people are inclined
to look out for and protect you.

Well done... You're the most fun of the seasons :)

?? Which Season Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Congratulations! You have an understanding of the
goth culture!

A True Goth Quiz (now with pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

I was just a weeeeeee bit bored tonight. I need some sleep. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

2003-11-19T00:00:00.000-05:00

Had a good day today coming out for food. Back to 116 after fasting most of the day teehee ^_^ Happy jen

Some sad news. Dave's dad fired the daytime cook, therefore Dave will be working 7 days a week again. A few open to close I believe. Man. With me working soon and him going to night school next semester we won't be able to see each other much. Much even to talk heh...*sigh* The day we move in together will be pure heaven. can't wait.

2003-11-18T01:17:00.000-05:00

Not to forget...

you know that you're ed-nos when you starve yourself for an entire day just so that you can enjoy your favorite ice cream sundae....all made with fat free sugar free stuff of course.

you know that you're ed-nos when you bank your calories for the week to enjoy a few beers on the weekend and get drunk as fuck. then the next day freak out and exercise.

you know that you're ed-nos when you can honestly say that you've been bulimic, anorexic and had both COE and BED all in the same week! lets not forget the bouts of exercise crazed purging....

you've restricted a whole week, you do exercise compulsively and take abunch of diet pills during that week too.
you spend all yopur money on binge food the next week and purge
you go back to restricting a whole week again
you go back to binging but this time you don't feel like throwing up so you have a bunch of laxies
you sit in your bed making huge plans that you never succeed.

Constantly planning out my meals, spending hours on each meal and making sure it’s just right, but then fuck it up by adding a cookie when you actually do eat.

I am guilty of eating a serving of ice cream and then exercising for 3 hours straight feeling guilty because I “cheated” earlier and never feel that it is enough.

Feel like a looser for not fitting the textbook definition of “Ana” or “mia.”

Aunt red visits you spontaneously during the mouth, for only two days of pure hell. (Extremely heavy flow and then nothing.)

Budget your precious savings from over the summer that were meant for college this year and set aside an amount for your Ephedrine 1000 pills, gym membership, an or any other diet books or kick ass CD’s that make you workout harder.

Never really loose weight; just inches from push ups and weight lifting despite efforts.

People say, “Your so muscular and tiny how do you do it.” And like the second part of the complement but not the first and decide to maybe lay off the weights for a while.
Constantly food on the brain, even after you’ve had your one meal for the day.

Always drinking hot coco, even in the summer to make you feel fuller and oops that was your calorie allotment for the day.

always need to have something in your mouth

Suck on strawberry flavored pacifier as you type your midterm paper or study for your final, something about stimulating your mouth makes you concentrate more.

2003-11-18T01:14:00.000-05:00

You know you're ednos when...

* one day you can't even imagine eating over 1000 calories and the next you hit 2000 or more.

* the people who know you have an eating disorder don't take you seriously...including health professionals.

* you eat salad so much that when your dad takes you out to eat he tells you that you can't have salad and means it...so you go to the other extreme and eat pizza and cheesy garlic bread and stuff yourself silly.

* Your weight always seems to stay the same...all the starving and binging seem to cancel eachother out. No one can see the emotional pain you have because your body isn't displaying it.

* You haven't excatly lost your period, so you don't fit the criteria for having ana

* the people who know you have an eating disorder don't take you seriously...including health professionals.

* you see yourself as an umbrella

* you want to change the anorexic criterea just so you feel like you fit in

* you've considered a sex change to make your period vanish

* you've gone through a week that went somewhat like purge, fast, purge, fast, binge, binge, binge, binge, binge

* all your meals are miltiples of 20 calories... 20 calories, 200 calories or 2000 calories

* some days you go to the super wal-mart to walk around the store and burn calories, and other days you go because there's an all-you-can-eat buffet right across the street that you sneak off to and binge at like there's no tomorrow 'cause for you can have ANYTHING you could ever possibly crave... and uh.. riiight, I'm not speaking from personal experience...

* people listen to you say you're anorexic and say "that's a bunch of BS"

* you're convinced you have a thyroid problem because no matter how much you restrict, the weight just stays there...

* You fast for 5 days and lose 5 pounds and then gain them all back from 2 days of binging.

* In your house you have rice cakes, sugar free jelly, apples, and other healthy stuff, and then you have cookies and ice cream... but no food that normal people would eat.

* Someone asks you what eating disorder you have and you dont know how to answer. "All of them... on different days, but not totally extreme..."

* taking diet pills to lose the most of the weight, then taking them out of habit or to MAINTAIN your weight

* instead of eating anything healthy, you drink until you puke because you want to

* when you starve yourself all day but eat about 2000 cals or more at night.

* when you feel that you're anorexic but it sure as hell doesn't look like it.

* when you are so picky people wonder why you're not skinny- but the few foods that you DO like are pizza, ice cream, etc. so it makes sense to you.

* when you eat food until your stomach hurts, and then try to purge. But then when you realize you don't feel like gagging, you just give up and lay down.

* When you don't want to get out of bed because you don't know what kind of a day it will be and you don't want to risk overeating again

* your psychiatrist makes a chart of your weight and it ends up looking like a heart monitor

With Ed Nos you always have a range of clothing in your closet...usualy with 3 or 4 sizes to chose from

No one can figure out what kind of treat to surprise you with: Rice cakes or Ice Cream, becuase it's always the wrong choice

You stop getting invited to lunch becuse co-workers don't know if this is a "lunch eating" week or not.

2003-11-18T01:11:00.000-05:00

I am not happy with my weight again. I just ate the rest of the tub of ice cream to myself again. grrr. I will go under 500 cals again. No more fucking around. I am just kidding myself when I think that eating more than 500 cals won't make me gain weight. Hah

Is this me? indeed...sadly enough

Anorexia/Bulimia

Dramatic weight loss in a relatively short period of time. ~haha yea. lost about 15 pounds in a month and a hlaf back in january

Wearing big or baggy clothes or dressing in layers to hide body shape and/or weight loss. ~on my fat days hell yes

Obsession with weight and complaining of weight problems (even if "average" weight or thin). ~yes

Obsession with calories and fat content of foods. ~yes

Obsession with continuous exercise. ~sometimes

Frequent trips to the bathroom immediately following meals (sometimes accompanied with water running in the bathroom for a long period of time to hide the sound of vomiting). ~depends how much i ate...

Visible food restriction and self-starvation.~not that much in public

Visible bingeing and/or purging. ~no

Use or hiding use of diet pills, laxatives, ipecac syrup (can cause immediate death!) or enemas. ~na

Isolation. Fear of eating around and with others. ~sometimes

Unusual Food rituals such as shifting the food around on the plate to look eaten; cutting food into tiny pieces; making sure the fork avoids contact with the lips (using teeth to scrap food off the fork or spoon); chewing food and spitting it out, but not swallowing; dropping food into napkin on lap to later throw away. ~ all of the time when eating with others

Hiding food in strange places (closets, cabinets, suitcases, under the bed) to avoid eating (Anorexia) or to eat at a later time (Bulimia). ~never really done that

Flushing uneaten food down the toilet (can cause sewage problems). ~no

Vague or secretive eating patterns. ~yea

Keeping a "food diary" or lists that consists of food and/or behaviors (ie., purging, restricting, calories consumed, exercise, etc.) ~got 2 or 3 diaries hehe

Pre-occupied thoughts of food, weight and cooking. ~yea

Visiting websites that promote unhealthy ways to lose weight. ~yea

Reading books about weight loss and eating disorders. ~haven't had the money for that yet

Self-defeating statements after food consumption. ~yea...

Hair loss. Pale or "grey" appearance to the skin. ~hair loss a bit, but no grey appearance. I do usually have pale skin though

Dizziness and headaches. ~sometimes

Frequent soar throats and/or swollen glands.~sometimes

Low self-esteem. Feeling worthless. Often putting themself down and complaining of being "too stupid" or "too fat" and saying they don't matter. Need for acceptance and approval from others. ~i do it TOO often

Complaints of often feeling cold. ~oops lol

Low blood pressure. ~have no clue

Loss of menstrual cycle. ~nope

Constipation or incontinence. ~nope

Bruised or calluses knuckles; bloodshot or bleeding in the eyes; light bruising under the eyes and on the cheeks. ~ i bruise easily already

Perfectionistic personality. ~fuck yes

Loss of sexual desire or promiscuous relations. ~sometimes

Mood swings. Depression. Fatigue. ~ hell yes

Insomnia. Poor sleeping habits~ aren't all students this way? lol

2003-11-13T21:20:00.000-05:00

My mum and I talked and she's checking out for a new place and how she can break te lease. She's sick of the guy downstairs too.

Well, I feel better now. Bleaching my hair with pharmacy crap, but I needed to do something drastic. It was either cutting up my arms or bleaching my hair. Since cutting is not an option with what I have in my wardrobe I went with option #2. I cancelled tomorrow's supper with mum, her bf, vince, and his gf cause I don't want to eat. I will try to go to the M.A.C tournament depending on how I feel after tomorrow with clients. *SIGH*

2003-11-13T19:56:00.000-05:00

Dave called from Dawson to check how I was doing. I left without saying goodbye to anyone except chantal since she followed me. I have been going fucking nuts cause of school events, school, and now dave. I called him earlier to invite him to Dawson for free pizza and company from friends. He says he'd rather stay home. Ok. Fine. I pass the phone to Howard which he gives to Oliver. Oliver then says there's gonna be pizza and ooooooh look! A game of Risk. Dave decides to come to school because of the game. I don't see it well. I see it as he doesn't give a rat's ass about me and all about the fucking game. Yea yea. me me MEEEEEEEEEEE all of the time right? Yes. I try to give and give and give. I Give way too much in my life and I get nothing back for it. Of course I should feel greatful cause I am doing some good out there. But you see, I never seem to get ANY goodness back from any of my friends let alone my bf. I don't know...maybe I'm some messed up girl who cannot get anything right. I try to be all happy and not think negatively, but end up barking at anyone when I fuck up on today cause of my bloody exam. Just let it all end now.

All I could think of in the bus was howcome my hands always look blue purplish and how my knucles turn white and seem to break through my skin when i make a fist. I was pressing my key deep into my hand and when I took it off it left a nice print of my key with some added blue purplish colours. I loved it. Kind of shows if I am still alive.

Oh, and by the way, I'm still flowin' so i can finally go back to dieting again. The 5 extra pounds I've gained has made me sick enough. I'll be now off cutting something up and making an art project of all the hatred in my life right now.

2003-11-11T22:09:00.000-05:00

Finally done with the hell for now. I have my first model exam tomorrow (male hair cut) plus I have my first interview for my stage! Woohoo! *does a little dance* It's at Orbite. I visited Coupe Bizarre and they already had 3 stagieres there (boooooo) but the place was too ...yea. White walls and pink in the back. They didn't even have proper shelves. Just short tables to place their products. I went to Noir and that place was nice, but there was only one client! My god. It was weird. HUGE salon fit for 20 and only one client. When I went to Orbite the place was 1/2 packed and I LOVED the ambiance. Man oh man I can't wait! plus the girl Nathalie kept asking me questions on my availlabilty after my stage and I would be able to work between end of stage and before the chalet. Booyeeeeehaaaaaaa!

2003-11-09T20:50:00.000-05:00

I love visiting my dad's side of the family. They're all Québécois, except for me and my mom, so it's a great chance to relax, eat great food and practice my French. Plus they're nice, laid-back and easygoing. A few hours out in the country on a sunny cold day does wonders for the system after weeks of Montreal doom and gloom.
Sorry to hear 2/3rds of your class didn't show up girl, that's what they call "learning about teamwork in the real world." Ask for more generous tips next time.
p.s. - About ripping heads off, you're a hairdresser. Just go "oops I missed" with the scissors next time y'all are in class and tada - instant mohawk.